Jokes News

“EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES”
Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three “ones” come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in
twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

“YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU (When you die)”
Well….., that depends on what it is. If it’s your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

“YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY”
Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you’ve just learned it doesn’t mean it’s new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

“THE SKY’S THE LIMIT”
Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.

“YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR”
Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you’ll find that you get whatever
they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.

“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY”
Not necessarily true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can’t be sure. If it happens, I’ll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it will be today again.

“NICE GUYS FINISH LAST”
Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can
see how limited those people were.

“IF YOU’VE SEEN ONE, YOU’VE SEEN THEM ALL”
Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen … one. If you’ve seen them all, *then* you’ve seen them all. I don’t even understand how this one got started.

“THOSE WERE THE DAYS”
No. Those were the nights! Think back. Weren’t the nights better? Days you had to work. Nights you went to parties, danced, drank and got laid. “Those were the nights!”

“THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH”
What about when you eat at home? I don’t pay when I eat lunch at home - it’s FREE! Sometimes I’ll leave a tip, but basically, it’s a free lunch. Yes, I know we had to buy the food at the store. But as the Zen Buddhists say, ‘The Food Is Not the Lunch’.

“YOU PAY YOUR MONEY, AND YOU TAKE YOUR CHANCES”
I think what I said earlier still applies” You pay your money and you take whatever they jolly well give you. Actually, when you get right down to it, you pay your money and you lose your money.

“EVERYBODY HAS HIS PRICE”
Not so. Would you believe there are millions of people who do not have their price? Thanks to a government mix-up, many people have their neighbors price.

“THEY DON’T MAKE ‘EM LIKE THEY USED TO”
Actually they do make ‘em like they used to, they just don’t sell ‘em anymore. They make ‘em, and then they keep ‘em.

“TWO WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT”
Well, it just so happens that two wrongs do make a right. Not only that, but as the number of wrongs increases, the whole thing goes up exponentially. So that while two wrongs make one right, and four wrongs make two rights, it actually takes sixteen wrongs to make three rights, and
256 wrongs to make four rights. It seems to me that anyone who is stringing together 256 wrongs needs counseling, not mathematics.

“IF IT’S NOT ONE THING, IT’S ANOTHER”
No, not always. Sometimes if it’s not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else entirely.

“YOU CAN’T WIN THEM ALL”
Not true. Believe it or not, there is a man somewhere in Illinois who, so far, has won them all. But don’t get too excited; it has also been discovered that it is possible to lose them all. By the way, there is no record of anyone having tied them all.

“YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS”
That depends on how intimately you know the other person. Maybe you can’t have it both ways at once, but if you’ve got a little time, you can probably have it six or seven ways.

“THINGS HAVE TO GET BETTER, THEY CAN’T GET ANY WORSE”
This is an example of truly faulty logic. Just because things can’t get any worse, is no reason to believe they have to get better. They might just stay the same. And, by the way, who says things can’t get any worse? For
many people, things get worse and worse and worse and worse.

“NOBODY EVER SAID THAT LIFE WAS FAIR”
I specifically remember as I was growing up, at least twelve different people, telling me life was fair. One person put it this way; “Life, you will find, is fair.” Oddly enough, all twelve of those people died before the age of twenty-seven.

“IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO”
Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It does take two to tango together, maybe. But one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. He just might look a little silly.

“THERE’S A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE, AND TWO TO TAKE HIM”
This may have been true in the past, but now, if you adjust for the increased population base, birth control, and the so-called moral decline, not only are there five suckers born every minute, there are now
fifty-three to take him.

“WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW WON’T HURT YOU”
Why don’t we just ask Julius Caesar and John F. Kennedy about this one?

“LIFE IS SHORT”
Sorry. Life is not short, it’s just that everything else lasts so long -mountains, rivers, stars, planets - life seems short. Actually life lasts just the right amount of time. Until you die. Death on the other hand….is very, very short!

A reporter once asked oil executive, millionaire and art collector J. Paul Getty if it were true that the value of his holdings, at that time, amounted to a billion dollars. Getty was silent for a moment.

“I suppose so,” he replied thoughtfully. “But remember, a billion dollars doesn’t go as far as it used to.”

A medieval Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The kind was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: “Prophet, tell me when you will die!”

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, “I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later.”

A grandmother was telling her granddaughter what her own childhood had been like . . . “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. At last she said, “Gramma, I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

Question - If a man goes to bed with two different women, how many animals are there in the bed???

Answer - A Dozen - there are six calfs, one cock, two pussies, and three asses.

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

“This would look nice on my mantelpiece,” he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

“I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!”

POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

“I wish to be on an island where only beautiful women reside.”

POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He then tells the genie his third and last wish:

“I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”

POOF! He’s back in his government office.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy. “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen of Noo Yawk City. I drove a cab for 25 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

The Darwin Awards are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Here are some current candidates:

Poacher Maino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock–and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly shot himself at 300mph into the side of a desert cliff.

A blonde and a brunette were speeding down a highway. The brunette said, “Watch out for any cop’s lights.”

After a while the brunette said, “Are there any cop’s lights behind us?”

And the blonde said, “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no….”

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”

The parrot says “With my prick, you dummy.”

The guy is startled and says “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”

The parrot says “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”

The guy says “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.”

The parrot says “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says “Come in and shut the door.”

The guy says “What’s up?”

The parrot says “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”

The guy says “Oh, A momentary flight of passion.”

The parrot says “Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts.”

The guy says “He did??”

The parrot says “Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”

The guy says “My God, what happened next?!?”

The parrot says “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”