Jokes News

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.” The man says “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.

When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how’s your golf game?” The golfer says, “It’s great! I hit under par every time.” “I did that for you,” responds the leprechaun, “And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

“Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill” he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life?”

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.” Floored the leprechaun stammers, “Once or twice a week?”

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is is how they answered:

It’s always darkest before………
daylight savings times.

You can lead a horse to water but …..how?

Don’t bite the hand that…..looks dirty.

A penny saved is…….not much.

Children should be seen and not….. spanked or grounded.

There is no fool like…….Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and…….you have to blow your nose.

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, “Look at all those big rocks! Wherever did they come from?”

“The glaciers brought them down,” said the guide.

“But where are the glaciers now?” asked the lady.

“The glaciers,” said the guide in a weary voice, “have gone back for more rocks.”

“Oh,” said the lady.

Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, “What’s the problem?”

He said, “The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.”

She said, “So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives.”

“Yes, I know,” he said, “but he only gave me four pills!”

There was a young boy just learning to be an altar boy, and he was very nervous. On his first Sunday, there was a special service, and the Priest explained to him that when he said, “And the Angels lit the candles,” the alter boy was to come out and light the candles.

Sunday morning came, and the service was going along just fine until it came to the part where the Priest said, “And the Angels lit the candles.” Nothing happened.

Once again, the Priest said “And the Angels lit the candles.” Still no response.

By now the Priest was getting a little upset, so he intones very loudly, “AND THE ANGELS LIT THE CANDLES,” which finally got a response.

The little altar boy comes running out saying, “and the cat peed on the matches!”

Name three things a man is good for.

THREE?! Hell I can’t even think of one!!!!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to this beautiful girl and starts looking at his watch. The girl notices this, and asks him if his date is late.

“No,” he replies. “I’ve just got this new state of the art watch, and I was just about to test it.”

“What does it do?” she asks.

“It uses alpha waves, to telepathically talk to me,” he answers.

“What’s it telling you now?” she asks.

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties,” he answers.

“Ha!!! It must be broken then, because I am!” she counters.

He slyly replies, “Damn! This silly thing’s an hour fast.”

What’s the hardest thing about eating a vegetable ?

Getting her back in the wheel chair!

A drunk gets on a transit bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from the front.

“Hey”, shouts the bus driver… “You didn’t pay your fare yet!”

The drunk, reeling, shouts back “And I’m not going to!….. I walked all the way!”

Q: What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?

A: A milk dud