Jokes News

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A- Almost boobs
B- Barely there
C- Can do
D- Damn good
E- Enormous
F- Fake

So this poor dude is talking to this rich dude about what they got their wives for Christmas… the rich dude tells the poor dude: “I bought my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz.”

The poor dude sez: “Why the fuck did you buy two expensive-ass gifts like that?”

So the rich dude sez: “Well, if my wife doesn’t like the diamond ring, at least she’ll have a nice car to drive to the store so she can exchange it for something she likes. What did YOU buy your wife for Christmas?”

“Well,” the poor dude sez, “I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo.”

“A dildo?” the rich dude sez, “Why’d you buy your wife a dildo?”

“So if she don’t like the the flip flops, she can go fuck herself.”

Q: What do women and airplanes have in common?

A: Cockpits

A bus, making it’s daily trip, stopped to pick up an older lady. The lady was carrying a big duffle back and she had it clutched to herself as if she was trying to protect it. She walked to the back of the bus and sat down.

Two younger men saw the dufflebag she was clutching and one of them said, “Excuse me, but what’s in the duffle bag. The lady responded, “IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!”

The man was stuned and kept quiet. The other man was getting more and more curious until he said, “Lady, we just want to know what’s in the bag!” She replied, “IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!”

Now the busdriver heard this and he pulled over the bus. He got up, walked to back of the bus and said, “Lady you’d better tell me what’s in that bag.” Her reply was, “IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!”

Well the busdriver had just about enough so he kicked the lady off of the bus but not before taking her dufflebag. He closed the door and drove off.

And that’s it. Can you believe it? ……..what??…………………
you wanna know what’s in the duffle bag?

IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!!!!

In filling out an application for a factory job, a man was puzzled for a long time over this question:

“Person to notify in case of an accident.”

Finally, he wrote, “Anybody in sight.”

What is the difference between a young prostitute and an old prostitute?

The young prostitute uses Vaseline; the old prostitute uses Polygrip!!!!

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

“Doctor,” he said, “I need you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet stepped back and said, “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?”

Bert said, “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”

In school one day the teacher decided she would teach about materials in science class. So she stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?”

Little Richie raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.

Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.”

The teacher said, “Why Johnny?”

He responded by saying, “because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!”

Maurice Barrymore was the patriarch of the famous acting family of stage and screen, and was himself an actor and amateur boxer. When he was finally being laid to rest, the straps supporting the coffin became twisted. The coffin, already lowered into the grave, had to be raised again so an adjustment could be made. As it reappeared, Lionel impulsively nudged John and whispered, “How like Father—a curtain call!”

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole??

A 30 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!!