Jokes News

It is sexually transmitted.
It’s initial symptoms are wetness, hunger, and general disorientation.
If you have it long enough you begin to forget about it.
Common side effects of it are depression, sadness and loneliness.
The quick cures for it are available at any time to almost anyone, but no one is allowed to use them.
If you attempt to cure yourself, you’re locked up.
If you spend time curing others the government will often cure you in return.
It can be extremely painful.
When your cured you get a license.
Husbands often try to cure their wives.
It’s illegal to marry the person who you contraced it from.
Everyone that is infected will die from it.
I am infected with it, and my wife sucks it out of me a little more each day.

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LIFE

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it’s cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don’t we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It’s more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a nightcrawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4″ bigger.

13. It’s OK, we’ll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. **giggle and point**

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Ever hear of Clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn’t know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this wont take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it’s hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your French fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So THIS is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!

58. Never mind, why bother?

When the new school year started, the history teacher was so excited because there were three little American Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asked the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knew this.

The little boy stood up and proudly threw out his chest. Then he took his fist and hit it on his chest. He said in a booming voice, “I am a Cherokee. My father and I walked for many moons and one day my father said, ‘Son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee.”

“Wonderful,” the teacher said, and then asked the next little Indian boy to stand.

The little boy stood up and proudly threw out his chest. Then he took his fist and hit it on his chest. He said in a booming voice, “I am a Comanche. My father and I walked for many moons and one day my father aid, ‘Son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land.’ So, I know I am a Comanche.”

The teacher was growing more excited by the moment and asked the last little Indian boy to stand.

The little boy stood up and proudly threw out his chest. Then he took his fist and hit it on his chest. He said in a booming voice, “I am a Fuckawee.”

The teacher looked dumbfounded and said, “I don’t think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee.”

The little boy said, “My father and I walked for many days and many nights. And many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my father stopped and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looked around. He said, ‘Hmmmm, where the Fuckawee…’”

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.”

The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.

The cowboy said, “Tell him your working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”

She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

Adrian bought a little plaque at a novelty shop that said “I’m the Boss,” thinking it was really cute, and put it on his desk at work, and went to lunch.

When he got back, there was a note on his desk:
“Your wife called, and she wants her sign back!”

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the Church Board, following the close of the service.

The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. “You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the Board Members,” explained the minister.

“I know,” said the man. “but if there is anyone was who more bored than I was, then I’d like to meet him.”

Three truck drivers died and went to heaven. They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter walked up to them and said, “I have some questions to ask you before you are admitted into heaven.”

So he went to the first truck driver and said, “Have you ever gone above the speed limit?”
He replied, “No!”
St. Peter then asked, “Have you ever hauled over maximum weight limit?”
The truck driver again replied, “No!”
St. Peter looked at the man and asked, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?”
The truck driver repeated, “No!”
“Ok,” said St. Peter, “go to door number FOUR and enter.”
St. Peter came to the second truck driver and he asked him the same questions and the truck driver replied, “No!”
So St. Peter sent him to door number four also.
Now St. Peter came to the third truck driver and asked, “Have you ever gone above the speed limit?”
The truck driver replied, “Yes, I have, because you have to to make your time limit now days.”
St. Peter said, “Alright have you ever hauled over your maximum weight?”
They truck driver said, “Yes, I have, because that is the only way you can make any money now days.”
St. Peter said, “Alright, have you ever cheated on your wife?”
The truck driver replied, “Well, yes, there was this one time in New Orleans –this woman could suck the chrome off of a tire!”
St. Peter said, “Go to door number TWELVE and wait on me.”
The truck driver got mad and said, “You sent those other two to heaven after they lied, and I told the truth and you send me to hell!”
St. Peter looked and said, “Door number four goes straight to hell; me and you are going back to New Orleans!”

My husband and I work at the same office, and one day he came up to me and said, “Honey, you have a vivid imagination, right?” I said, “Yeah, right.”

He said, “Well, imagine I told you to bend over and grab your knees and spell run three times real fast.”

So I spell r-u-n, r-u-n, r-u-n.

Get it? Are You IN, ha ha

While hiking in the countryside, my friend, Eva, and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sauteed them that night. My husband, Dick, refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous. Two weeks later, Eva and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Dick joined us.

“How is it that you’re eating the mushrooms tonight,” I asked, “when you wouldn’t touch the ones we brought home two weeks ago?”

“I thought about it,” Dick explained, seriously, “and I figured it would better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in our home.”