Jokes News

“Dear Dad,” read the young soldier’s first letter home. “I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear….”

Several months later came another letter. “Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl….”

Two weeks later came yet another note: “Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl….”

Q. What do you call a bull that sleeps a lot?

A. A bulldozer!

This blonde was competing in the 100 meter breast stroke at the pre olympic trials and she came in last.

She went to the judges and complained that the other girls were using their arms.

She is the same one who previously took her gold medal and had it bronzed.

There’s a blonde sitting on an airplane when a gentleman walks up and says “Excuse me, miss, but you are sitting in my seat.”

The blonde responds, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful and I’m going to Dallas!” and remains seated.

The guy says, “But you are sitting in MY seat. You need to find your seat.”

She once again says, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful and I’m going to Dallas!” and doesn’t budge.

The man is perturbed and calls the flight attendant who also tries to persuade the stubborn passenger to move to her own seat but to no avail. The flight attendant summons the pilot.

The pilot walks over and whispers something in the blonde’s ear. Immediately, she jumps up and rushes to the other side of the plane.

The man and the flight attendant are amazed! The attendant says to the pilot, “What did you say to her? How did you get her to move?”

The pilot responded, “I simply told her that this side of the plane wasn’t going to Dallas!”

A Chinese man goes to an optometrist complaining of vision loss. After a thorough examination, the doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with your eyes. You have Cataracts,” the doctor says.

“No,” says the Chinese man, “I have a Rincoln Continental!”

“Have you read today’s headlines in the local paper?” said one friend to another.

“No,” was the reply.

“They say that a whale was found dead on the beach and that an autopsy was performed. The results were that the giant mammal died of AIDS!”

“You’ve got to be kidding!” said the friend. “Do they know how the whale was infected?”

“Yes,” was the response, “they say it was rearended by a ferry!”

yo mama so FAT people jog around her for exercise.

yo mama so black she went to night school and they thought she was absent.

yo mama like a shotgun 1 cock and she blows.

yo mamma is so slutty she could suck-start a Harley

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator. He lifts the beast up onto the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal”, he says. “I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the ‘gator will close his mouth for one minute. When he opens it, I’ll
remove my genitals intact. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will agree to buy me a drink. Deal?”

The crowd all nodded in approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his genitals in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and whacked the alligator hard on the head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals intact. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll give anyone in this crowd $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”

A hush fell over the crowd as they murmured to each other, but then a hand went up in the back of the crowd. A woman timidly spoke up.

“I’ll try”, she said demurely, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on a beach when these three beautful women walk past and notice him.
One of the beautiful women felt so sorry for him and askes, “have you ever been hugged?” The man replied, “no” and the beautful woman bent over and gave him a hug.
Then the second girl askes, ” have you never been kissed?” The man begins getting really exicited and replys, “No, never!” and the girl bent over and gave him a kiss.
Lastely, the third girl askes, “have you ever been fucked?”
The man got really excited and replys, “No, never, ever!”
The girl replys, “You’re about to be, the tide’s coming in.”