Jokes News

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey! Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C — very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive — $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

Scratching his head, the shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but the other two monkeys call him BOSS.”

Upon getting to work one morning, a businessman is reminded by his secretary that it was his wife’s birthday. At lunch, he goes to the mall and tries to find a gift for her. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.

So, the businessman goes into a lingerie store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. It was $500, but well worth it to him. So, he takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.

Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.

Once she opened her gift, she realized that this is something she’s never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she’d really surprise her husband and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, “Honey, come out to the hallway and look.” The husband walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, “$500 and they don’t even bother to iron the thing!”

A Frenchman and a Canadian are checking into a hotel, and it’s obvious that each is on his honeymoon.

The Frenchman says, “I bet I will make love to my new wife tonight more times than you will. The loser will buy breakfast. You have until 9am tomorrow morning.” The Canadian accepts the challenge and they hurry to their rooms.

The Canadian gets down to business. After an exhausting love-making session with his wife, the Canadian scratches a “1″ into the bed-post and falls fast asleep. He wakes a couple of hours later, and remembering the bet, makes love with his new bride once again. Again, he marks the bed-post with another “1″ and falls into a deep slumber. He wakes just before 9am, and realizing he only has a few more minutes, gets down to business and once again scratches another “1″ into the bed-post after he’s done. Just then there’s a knock on the door.

It’s the Frenchman. He asks, “Well, how did you do?” The Canadian points proudly to the marks on the bed-post.

“Sacre bleu!” says the Frenchman, “One hundred and eleven! You beat me by two!”

Suppose Edgar Allen Poe Had Used a Computer…

Once upon a midnight dreary,
Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
Systems manuals piled high and
Wasted paper on the floor.
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets,
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command,
And waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering,
Long I sat there wond’ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning,
Turning yet to churn some more.

“Save!” I said, “You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!”
One thing did the phosphors answer,
Only this and nothing more,
Just, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired,
One’s I’d never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices
As the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed,
insistent, waiting,
Baiting me to type some more.

Clearly I must press a key,
Choosing one and nothing more.

A research scientist was assigned to do a test to determine the influences of body shapes in distance jumping. So, the scientist decided to use a frog for this research.

He positioned the frog on a surface that was marked off in feet and inches. He said :”Jump frog jump” and the frog jumped 7 ft. The scientist recorded this observation:
Conclusion: Frog with 4 legs , jumps 7 feet.

Then he cut off 1 leg and said “Jump, frog jump” and the frog jumped 5 feet. He wrote:
Conclusion: Frog with 3 legs jumps 5 feet.

He cut off another leg and repeated the instructions and the frog jumped 4 feet.
Conclusion: Frog with 2 legs jumps 4 feet.

He cuts off the 3rd leg and repeats the process.
Conclusion: Frog with 1 leg jumps 2 feet.

He cuts off the last leg and says, “Jump, frog, jump!” The frog does not move! Once again he says, “Jump, frog, jump!” Still the frog only sits there. The scientist writes in his research book:
Conclusion: Frog with no legs is deaf !

There is a new KFC product in New York! It is called a bucket of Hillary. You get two small breasts, two large thighs and a whole bunch of left wings.

Here’s a short limerick:

There once was a man from Leeds,
who swallowed a package of seeds.
Tufts of grass sprouted out of his ass,
and his balls were covered in weeds!

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be asign from God.”

The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on,
and hands it back to the priest.The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”

There is a man who works for a crazy home. Every year, they choose a different worker to determine whether a patient is sane enough to be released.

This year it is his turn.So he walks into the room and the first patient is snapping his neck with his hands.

He asks the patient what is he doing. The patient replies, “I’m trying to get my head on straight so I could get out of here.”

The worker ignores him and moves on. He walks up to the second patient who is shaping his crap into balls and placing them in the corner.

Again, he asks the patient what is he doing. The patient replies, “I’m trying to get my shit together so I could get out of here.”

The worker again ignores the patient. Now he walks up to the third patient who has his privates in a bowl of peanuts.

The worker asks him what is he doing. The patient then replies, “I’m FUCKING NUTS - I’m never getting out of here!”

A rather intoxicated gentleman was looking for a whorehouse one afternoon and mistakenly walked into a podiatrist’s office.

The Doctor, who was a woman, thinking that this intoxicated gentleman was her next appointment asked him to go down the hall to an examination room. She said, “When you get to the room walk behind the screen and stick it through the hole in that screen”

The gentleman went into the examination room and did just that. When the doctor walked into the room she said, “Hey that’s not a foot!”

To which the man replied, “I didn’t know there was a minimum!”