Jokes News

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans’ paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, “tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

“So. How’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.

“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees.”

“I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift.”

“So, how’d you break your arm?”

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, “That’s a sheep!”

“That’s right!” said the teacher. “How about THIS one?” she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

“That’s a lion!” answered a little boy.

“Right!” said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. “What does your mother call your father?”

Johnny said, “I know! That’s a horny old goat!”

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!!”

Why did the Cyclops close down his school?

Answer: Because he only had one pupil!

The principal of a middle school had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.

Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.
One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The principal then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate.

The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.’”

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

“How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.

“Well . . . they feel a bit tight,” replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man’s feet.

“Try pulling the tongue out,” offers the clerk.

“Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth, he says.

Somebody Translate this one!!! I’ve just gotta know!
(comedy.com management)

temel ispanya’da bir lokantaya gitmis:bana günün en ozel yemegini getirin demis.garson getirmis.
temel:
“ben bunu cok begendim da bu ne etidir?”demis.
garson:
“boga guresinde yenilen boganýn etidir.”demis
temel bi hafta sonra yine gitmis ama bu sefer begenmemis:
“ha gecenki daha guzeldi bunun tadi niye farkli?”
garson:
“her zaman yenilen boga olmuyor.”demis…..ehuehuehueueu

I just wish I could’ve gotten a reciept with my marriage certificate …then I could’ve taken her back like a pair of pants.

Yeah she’s the right style but just a little loose in the crotch area..

Frank has been feeling poorly lately…depressed, stressed, nervous, argumentative.

His wife Estelle, who is by now pretty stressed out herself, finally persuades him to make an appointment with their family doctor, to which she accompanies him.

After the physical, while Frank is getting dressed again in the examination room, the doctor takes Estelle into his office.

“Mrs. Johnson,” says the doctor, “I’m afraid Frank’s stress has affected his heart and blood pressure. I think we have to be prepared to lose him in a month or two.”

“My God!,” says Estelle. “Isn’t there anything we can do?”

“Well, yes there is, but it will take a serious commitment on your part. First of all, when you wake up in the morning, put on something pretty, not just an old housecoat. Always look your best…show him you care what he thinks. Make a hot breakfast for him every day and have it ready when he comes down. Don’t let him wait and start to brood, and don’t let him worry about chores. Let him read the paper and watch TV as much as he wants. Make all his favorites for lunch, and bake a fresh pie or cake every day for dessert. For dinner, don’t use frozen foods…if he wants French Fries, for example, cut them fresh and fry them. That will show him how much you care about him.
And most important, give him sex whenever and whereever he feels like it, and it would be a nice touch if you wakened him every morning by performing oral sex on him. That will show him how much you love and need him. If you work these simple duties into you routine, I’m certain we’ll have Frank around for many, many years.”

As they are driving home, Frank turns to Estelle. “Well, what does the doctor say?”

“He says you’re gonna die.”