Jokes News

The physics instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, “You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod…”

That was pretty much the end of learning for that day!

Matt and Lennie’s Do’s and Don’t Do’s…

Of University Life:

Do - Ask questions when in doubt.

Don’t - Call your professor “P. Daddy Spanks”.

Do - Bring books to class.

Don’t - Bring your pet Tree Frog “Mittens” to class.

Do - Buy second hand books.

Don’t - Buy home made books out of the back of Slimmy Jakes truck.

Do - Form a study group.

Don’t - Let the crazy old guy that lives in the dumpster out back in your study group.

Do - Take notes in class.

Don’t - Get bored and make up your own lecture.

Do - Enjoy yourself in class.

Don’t - Shoot spitballs at the professor and blame it on the foreign guy that sits three rows back.

Do - Choose a good seat.

Don’t - Sit beside the fat guy wearing the wizards hat, stroking his stomach and saying, “Patience my pet”.

Do - Manage your money.

Don’t - Eat a specimen in biology lab for five dollars.

Do - Add a witty and sexual signature to your e-mails.

Don’t - Forget to remove it when sending to your professors.

Do - Support university teams.

Don’t - Spell University wrong on your sign.

Do - Take time to enjoy a snack.

Don’t - Wash it down with Mystery Chemical ‘B’ from Chemistry Lab.

Do - Show interest in class by sparking debate.

Don’t - Use last nights episode of `Star Trek’ as your basis.

Do - Join student groups.

Don’t - Join the `Saved by the Bell Brigade’

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY:

Do - Enjoy your time at university.

Don’t - Waste your time making lists to send to people unless you disguise yourself as the foreign guy that sits three rows back.

Thank you,
The Foreign Guy that sits three rows back.

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN’T YOU AT ALL — $125.

10. “I hold this truth to be self-evident — you’re a babe.”
9. “I’ve just gone through a terrible break-up with Betsy Ross and I don’t think I should be alone tonight.”
8. “Some people call me the ‘Fondling Father’.”
7. “You know what they say about men with big signatures.”
6. “My teeth aren’t the only thing made of wood.”
5. “If somebody ever invents the telephone, can I give you a call?”
4. “All men are not created equal, if you know what I mean.”
3. “That’s a great powdered wig, but it would look even better balled up on my bedroom floor.”
2. Insert your own “The British-Are-Coming” joke here.
1. “Give me liberty or give me sex.”

A fellow was joined at the bar by a beautiful woman who soon approached the man with an offer.

“I’ll make your dreams come true,” she whispered, “for a hundred and fifty dollars.”

“That’s a lot of money,” the guy pointed out, admiring her voluptuous body.

“I’m worth it,” she assured him breathily. “For a hundred and fifty dollars, I’ll act out any fantasy. In fact, I can make any three words come true. Just dream them up, baby.”

Any three words? For a hundred and fifty dollars?” The man’s voice grew husky as the woman’s hand crept up his leg.

She nodded, reaching up with the other hand to caress the back of his neck while he considered the offer.

Finally, he leaned back with a big smile and announced, “It’s a deal!”

He leaned over and whispered, “Paint my house.”

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Say things like, “This is the way we have always ridden this horse.”

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today’s environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that “This horse is not dead.”

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that “No horse is too dead to beat.”

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.

15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is “better, faster and cheaper” dead.

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent
variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

One summer, the company Dave worked for transferred him to another city, and Dave was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor.

All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Dave had the smallest dick he’d ever seen. “Do you have any difficulties with its being so small?” the doc asked.

“Shit, no,” Dave said. “I’ve got a wife, three kids, and a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime.”

“What about at night?” the doc asked.

“Nights are no problem,” Dave said, “’cause there’s two of us looking for it then.”

What did the left boob say to the right boob?

“Quit hanging so low or people are going to think we’re nuts!”

A down-hearted man in a greasy spoon diner asks the waitress for a meatloaf dinner and some kind words. She brings the meatloaf, but doesn’t say a thing.

“Hey,” he says, “what about the kind words?’

She replies, “Don’t eat the meatloaf.”

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Do you have any duck food?” The bartender yells at him, “No, you stupid duck. This is a bar. Of course we don’t have any duck food. Now get out of here, and don’t ever come back!”

The next day the same duck walks into the same bar, and says to the bartender, “Hey, do you have any duck food?” The bartender yells at him, “No! I told you yesterday this is a bar and we don’t have any duck food. If you come back in here one more time, I’m gonna nail those stupid little webbed feet of yours to that barstool! Now get out and don’t come back!”

The next day the duck walks into the bar yet again. This time he says to the bartender, “Hey, you got any nails?” The bartender yells, “Of course we don’t have any nails, this is a bar!” So the duck says, “Got any duck food?”