Jokes News

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. A woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”

Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”

She says: “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts.

Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The huge man says: “Sir, did you call for me?”

Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?”

The Huge Man: “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.”

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: “May I help you?”

Bob says: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.”

Receptionist: “But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities…..”

Bob replies: “Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

A cowboy was riding his horse accross his pasture. A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled “Don’t bite me!”

The snake said “NO, I’m a genie snake, I can give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?”

The cowboy thought for a minute. Then said “A million dollars in the bank.”

The snake said, “Granted, next.”

Again the cowboy thought. Then said “The most beautiful wife in the world.”

The snake said, “Granted, next.”

Then with a great big smile on his face he said, “I want to be hung like my horse.”

The snake said “Granted” and slithered off.

The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him. He ran into the house and into his bedroom.

There stretched across his bed, in a sexy negligee, was the most beautiful woman in the world. So he picked up the phone, called the bank and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars. He rushed into the bathroom……unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry.

“I forgot I was riding OLD NELLIE!

Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee, preparing to start their game at 7 a.m.

Just as the first golfer was half way up his back swing, a good-looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went, until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods, he turned, dazed, to his companion, “What was THAT about?!!!”

“Take no notice. Just get on with the game,” replied the other golfer. Setting down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four men in white coats running across on a similar track to the young lady.

Look. Just get on with the game,” said the second golfer. “We don’t have all day, and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.,” he said with a chuckle.

For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted again by another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of sand.

“Now, hold on a minute,” said the first golfer. “I’m not playing until you tell me what the heck’s going on here.”

“OK,” said the second man. “Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in white coats are chasing her.”

“I’ll buy that,” said the first, “but what’s with the guy and the two buckets of sand?”

“He’s the guy who caught her the last time. That’s his handicap.”