Jokes News

A guy asked his mother, “Why don’t you get call-waiting? Your phone’s always busy, and I can’t ever get through.”

She replied, “I already HAVE call-waiting. You call; the line’s busy; you WAIT!”

What is the definition of innocence?

A nun working in a condom factory absolutely convinced she is making water-proof sleeping bags for mice.

What did the sun do to keith and bobby?

(answer): It made Bobby Brown and Keith Sweat.

Q: Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD’s?

A: In Iraq

When I was a kid in the 1950s, I was an avid reader and would always excitedly describe, in vivid detail, what I was reading, when my Mother inquired.

One day, my Mother asked about my latest literary pursuit. I informed her that I was reading a story about two girls who got their Father drunk, had sex with him, and each of them got pregnant and gave birth to his kids.

My Mother was outraged. She screamed, “That’s disgusting! Whatever book you read THAT garbage in, is to be thrown in the trash can, RIGHT NOW! Understand?”

I nodded and immediately went upstairs, grabbed the book and tossed it in the garbage can. It was hauled away by the trash men, the very next day.

From that day on, I have never read another copy of THE HOLY BIBLE.

A little boy accidentally walks into the bathroom and sees his mother naked.

The little boy in awe says, “Mommy, what is that?!”

His mother replied with, “Ahh, it’s my black sponge…now, go outside and play.”

The next day, the little boy once again walked into the bathroom and saw his mother naked.

The little boy asked, “Mommy, what happened to your black sponge?”

The mother replied, “I lost it…now, go outside and play.”

The next day, the little boy came running into the house yelling and screaming.

His mother asked him what was wrong…The little boy said that he found her black sponge.

His mother replied, “Well, where is it?!”

The little boy answered, “The neighbor lady is using it to wash dad’s face!”

Johnny was in class and the teacher asked, “What’s 2+2?”

Johnny raised his hand and said, “That would be motherfuckin’ 4.”

The teacher said, “Johnny you can’t use that kind of language in class!” and Johnny said, “Why motherfuckin’ not?”

The teacher call Johnny’s parents that evening and asked them to come to school to discuss this matter. The next day Johnny’s parents came to school and the teacher told them about Johnny’s behavior and that everytime she calls on him he uses foul language. She asked his parents, “What do you think of that?”

Johnny’s mother turned to the teacher and said, “Fuck him, don’t call on him then.”

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.

“American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe Exit off Highway 101 to get back to the airport.”

You’re only as old as the Person You Feel!

One night out on the back yard fence, 3 tom cats happen to meet, and start bragging about which one is the toughest.

The first cat says, “Hey boys, I’ve caught up to 100 mice in a single night… I’m the best mouser around!”

The second cat says,” That’s nothing, I can eat 10 boxes of catnip and it doesn’t even give me a buzz!!”

The third cat just turns around and starts walking back down the fence..The other 2 yell to him, “Hey where you going?”

He says back, “I’m bored with you two. I’m going to go fuck the dog!”

Well, when the toughest cat found the dog, he was bragging to two of his dog buddies, that once he had hunted down and killed a dozen cats in a single day.

The second dog replied with, “That’s puppy play, I once chased down and bit all the tires off of an eighteen wheeler that was going 65 mph down the road!!!”

The third dog turned around and started to walk away, and the other two dogs said, “Hey, where you going you sissy dog?”

He looked over his shoulder and said, “I think I’ll go fuck the dog catcher!”