Jokes News

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in gratitude asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

yo mama so fat when she stepped in the road I tried to swerve around her and I ran out of gas!

The following was a bumper sticker I saw:

“HUSBAND AND DOG MISSING…
REWARD FOR DOG”

Jake and Saul are two old widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on one another.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the “Obits” page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous….

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.

“Jake, are you up yet?”

Jake sleepily answers.

“Yeah, but I’m only now starting my coffee.”

“Jake, open the newspaper to page 31.”

“Why? What’s in the paper?”

“Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!”

“All right, don’t be such a pain so early in the morning already. So what’s on page 31 that’s so important?

“Jake, look at the bottom of column 4.”

“Why? What’s that story on?”

“Jake, just read the story on the bottom of column already!”

“OK, OK, I’ll start reading the column if you will stop yelling in my ear!”

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues. Finally, Jake comes on the line, quietly and fearfully, “So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?”

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”

She responds, “No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”

A Buddhist walked up to a hot dog vendor and said, “Make me one with everything.”

Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her but he just wasn’t interested.

Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date on a Friday night!! She was so excited all that week that she could hardly wait for Friday.

Finally, Friday came. As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.

Finally, 7 o’clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited that she opened the door before he even got to it.

“Hi Mikey!” she said, nervous as hell, and Mikey replied, “Suzie, you look beautiful!”

Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door — then IT hit her. Suzie realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God, she thought, walking along, what am I going to do??

Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let Mikey open the door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time that he came around and got in, all would be O.K.

So they got to the car, Mikey opened the door and Suzie got in. He closed the door, then she really let it rip! She rolled down the window and saw that he’s getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiled at Mikey as he got in the car.

Then Mikey turned to her, pointed to the back seat, and said, “Suzie, I’d like you to meet my brother Carl and his date, Jean.”

A short excerpt from the first solo Canadian space flight. The lone Canadian is guided by NASA and the ship contains himself and two pigs. Naturally the NASA ground technicians are upset over the lack of an American. During the flight the following conversation was recorded between ground control and the crew:

NASA: Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 1. Pig 1, are you reading me?

CP1: This is pig 1 for Ground Control. Reading you loud and clear.

NASA: Pig 1, how is everything?

CP1: Everything under control Ground Control. No problems.

NASA: OK, Pig 1. Just to check: can you repeat your mission instructions.

CP1: Yes Ground Control, mission instructions for Pig 1: when coming in orbit, press the square button, and depress the round one.

NASA: OK pig 2, That’s right. Over and out.

CP1: Hello, here is pilot for Ground Control.

NASA: Captain Harris, how is everything?

CP1: Everything is going fine Ground Control. No problems.

NASA: Captain, please repeat your instructions.

CP1: Again? Haven’t we been over this often enough?

NASA: Remember who paid for the ride, Captain.

CP1: Okay, okay…mission instructions for Captain Harris: feed the pigs twice a day and don’t touch the freaking controls.

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees…

Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town… pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!!”