Jokes News

Two stockbrokers went to lunch.

One looked at the other and said, “Let’s relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market or any kind of business at all.”

“Good idea, Sam. Let’s talk about women.”

“OK…common or preferred???”

It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies. Alice was feeling romantic. “Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?” she crooned.

“Why not?” Al grunted. “Didn’t I love you through four other shades?”

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands, “Stop that!”

The waiter looks at her dryly and says, “Sure lady, which way is it headed?”

One day some kids were walking down the street, and they came upon what looked like a puddle of water. They wanted to know what it was for sure, so they got a handkerchief and drug it through the water, and in front of their eyes the handkerchief disappeared. So, they did it again, and again, and everytime it disappeared. So they said we have got some magic water here. We have got to go get the priest.

So, the priest came to where the puddle of water was. The boys once again, drug the hadkerchief in the water and again it disappeared.

The priest said “Boys that is not magic water, that is what we call acid. He said, “if you want to see some magic water, you need to come down to the church and see some of that Holy Water we got. One time we rubbed it on a woman’s belly and she passed a baby.

The boys said, “Oh, that isn’t nothing one time we rubbed our Magic Water on a dog’s rear end and he passed a motorcycle.”

A man walks into his doctor’s office complaining about a swollen testicle. “My testicle has swelled up to 5 times its normal size, Doc! Can you help me?”

“Well let’s take a look,” says the doctor.

“I’m kind of embarrassed,” said the man. “You have to promise me you won’t laugh.”

“Sir, I’m a doctor. I see this sort of thing all the time. Of course I won’t laugh.”

So the man unzipped his pants and a huge testicle plopped out. The doctor couldn’t help but laugh because it was so huge.

“You promised me you wouldn’t laugh,” said the man angrily. “Now I’m not going to show you the swollen one!”

Top Ten Times in history when using the “f” word was appropriate:

10) “What the f**k was that?” - Mayor of Hiroshima

9) “Where did all these f**king Indians come from?” - Custer
“Any f**king idiot could understand that.” - Einstein

7) “It does SO f**king look like her!” - Picasso

6) “How the f**k did you work that out?” - Pythagoras

5) “You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?” - Michaelangelo

4) “I don’t suppose it’s gonna f**king rain.” - Joan of Arc

3) “Scattered f**king showers… my ass!” - Noah

2) “Hand over the f**king tapes?!?” - Nixon

And the number one most appropriate reason to use the “f” word….

1) “Who the f**k is going to find out?” - Bill Clinton

Max and Sadie revisit a big Miami Beach hotel for their fiftieth wedding aniversary and rent the penthouse. Sadie goes down to the lobby by herself, but forgets her purse and returns to find Max in bed with the maid. She grabs him and marches him out to the balcony and up onto the railing.

Max says, “Sadie, what are you doing?”

Sadie says, “Max, you’re seventy years old. If you can fuck you can fly.”

Guys, if you want a good laugh while having sex with your woman, do the following:

While you are sliding your tool in and out of her, STOP.

Pull it out about half-way and just STARE at it, in amazement.

When she says, “Baby? What’s wrong?”

You respond by saying, “I’m not sure, but it looks like you’re a QUART LOW.”