Jokes News

I remember when I was just a young boy, I was in my bedroom alone looking at Playboy Magazine. Just then my father came in and said, “Son if you do that, you’ll go blind.”

And I said, “DAD, I’M OVER HERE!”

Q: How can you tell when a moth farts?

A: It flys straight !!

Why can’t the witch have babies?

Because her boyfriend has a Hallo-weenie!

Yo mama so stupid she put a ruler by her bed to see how long she slept.

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse, looking as though he’s just escaped a tornado.

“What’s wrong?” a woman asked.

“I just lost a game to Houlihan,” the pro said.

“What? But Houlihan’s the worst player I’ve ever seen. How could HE have beaten YOU?”

“He tricked me,” the pro said. “On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes–any handicap he wanted. He said, “Just give me two ‘gotchas’.”

“What’s a gotcha?” asked the woman.

“That’s what I wanted to know,” the pro said. “Houlihan said, ‘You’ll see.’ Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out ‘GOTCHA!’”

“I can guess what happened,” the woman said.

“Sure,” the pro said. “That scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely.”

“Understandable,” the woman said, “but still, that’s only one swing. How did he win the game?”

The pro answered, “YOU try swinging at a golf ball while waiting for that second ‘gotcha!’”

A dumb guy finds fifty cents in his couch at home. He really needs to have sex, so he goes to the local brothel and tells the lady at the desk, “Give me your best whore!”

She yells upstairs, “Harry, grease up Sally!” and says, “That’ll be five hundred dollars, please.”

The man says, “Oh, I don’t have that much.”

The woman says, “Okay, then, Harry grease up Monica! That’ll be two hundred dollars, please.”

The guy says, “I don’t have that much.”

So the woman yells upstairs, “Harry, grease up Katrina! That’ll be fifty dollars, please.”

The guy says, “Oh, I don’t have that much.”

So the woman says, “Well, how much do you have?”

He says, “Fifty cents.”

So she yells upstairs, “Harry, grease up!”

The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

“Honey,” she said, as she pointed the guy out, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”

Her husband said, “That’s silly. No one celebrates THAT much!”

“I don’t want nations feeling like that they can bully ourselves and our allies. I want to have a ballistic defense system so that we can make the world more peaceful, and at the same time I want to reduce our own nuclear capacities to the level commiserate with keeping the peace.” —Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 23, 2000

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”—LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

“If I’m the president, we’re going to have emergency-room care, we’re going to have gag orders.”

“Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it.”

“It’s one thing about insurance, that’s a Washington term.”

“I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.”

“Mr. Vice President, in all due respect, it is—I’m not sure 80 percent of the people get the death tax. I know this: 100 percent will get it if I’m the president.”

“Quotas are bad for America. It’s not the way America is all about.”

“If affirmative action means what I just described, what I’m for, then I’m for it.”—St. Louis, Mo., October 18, 2000

“I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children.”—Second presidential debate, Oct. 11, 2000 (Thanks to Leonard Williams.)

“I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can’t answer your question.”—In response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate. Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000 (Thanks to Peter Feld.)

“I would have my secretary of treasury be in touch with the financial centers, not only here but at home.”—Boston, Oct. 3, 2000 (Thanks to M. Bateman.)

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”—Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

“I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy.”—Redwood, Calif., Sept. 27, 2000

“One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.”—Los Angeles, Sept. 27, 2000

“It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.”—Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

“I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans.”—Oprah, Sept. 19, 2000

“A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness.”—The Edge With Paula Zahn, Sept. 18, 2000

“The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money.”—Westminster, Calif., Sept. 13, 2000

“They have miscalculated me as a leader.”—Ibid.

“I don’t think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs.”—Orlando, Fla., Sept. 12, 2000

“This is what I’m good at. I like meeting people, my fellow citizens, I like interfacing with them.”—Outside Pittsburgh, Sept. 8, 2000

“That’s Washington. That’s the place where you find people getting ready to jump out of the foxholes before the first shot is fired.”—Westland, Mich., Sept. 8, 2000

“We’ll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.”—Houston, Texas, Sept. 6, 2000

“I regret that a private comment I made to the vice presidential candidate made it through the public airways.”—Allentown, Pa., Sept. 5, 2000.

“The point is, this is a way to help inoculate me about what has come and is coming.”–on his anti-Gore ad, in an interview with the New York Times, Sept. 2, 2000

“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.”–CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000

“Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.”–Ibid.

“I don’t know whether I’m going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I’m ready for the job. And, if not, that’s just the way it goes.”—Des Moines, Iowa, Aug. 21, 2000

”This campaign not only hears the voices of the entrepreneurs and the farmers and the entrepreneurs, we hear the voices of those struggling to get ahead.”—Ibid.

“We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.”—Ibid.

“I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together.”—Bartlett, Tenn., Aug. 18, 2000 (Thanks to Tarja Black.)

“I think he needs to stand up and say if he thought the president were wrong on policy and issues, he ought to say where.”—Interview with the Associated Press, Aug. 11, 2000 (Thanks to Ryan Rhodes.)

“You might want to comment on that, Honorable.”–To New Jersey’s secretary of state, the Hon. DeForest Soaries Jr., as quoted by Dana Milbank in the Washington Post, July 15, 2000

“This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I understand the emotionality of death penalty cases.”–Seattle Post-Intelligencer, June 23, 2000 (Thanks to Johnny Green.)

“States should have the right to enact reasonable laws and restrictions particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that otherwise could live.”—Cleveland, June 29, 2000 (Thanks to Douglas Basford.)

“Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as being against things. Anti-immigrant, for example. And we’re not a party of anti-immigrants. Quite the opposite. We’re a party that welcomes people.”—Cleveland, July 1, 2000 (Thanks to M. Bateman.)

“The fundamental question is, ‘Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?’ I will be, but until I’m the president, it’s going to be hard for me to verify that I think I’ll be more effective.”—In Wayne, Mich., as quoted by Katharine Q. Seelye in the New York Times, June 28, 2000

“The only things that I can tell you is that every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that I’ve looked at. I do not believe we’ve put a guilty … I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas.” All Things Considered, NPR, June 16, 2000 (Thanks to Andy Nouraee.)

“I’m gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I’ve read—I understand reality. If you’re asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do.”—On abortion, Hardball, MSNBC; May 31, 2000

“There’s not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me.”—On the coming Social Security crisis; Wilton, Conn.; June 9, 2000 (Thanks to Andy Mais.)

Bush: “First of all, Cinco de Mayo is not the independence day. That’s dieciséis de Septiembre, and …”
Matthews: “What’s that in English?”
Bush: “Fifteenth of September.” (Dieciséis de Septiembre = Sept. 16)
—Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000 (Thanks to numerous readers.)

“Actually, I—this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I’m talking about—when I’m talking about myself, and when he’s talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.”—Ibid.

“He has certainly earned a reputation as a fantastic mayor, because the results speak for themselves. I mean, New York’s a safer place for him to be.”—On Rudy Giuliani, The Edge With Paula Zahn, May 18, 2000 (Thanks to Peter Goldman.)

“The fact that he relies on facts—says things that are not factual—are going to undermine his campaign.”—New York Times, March 4, 2000 (Thanks to Garry Trudeau.)

Man approaches his buddy, who is looking awfully down:

“Hey, Jim,” he says. “Why are you so depressed?”

“Well,” Jim says, “about two months ago, my aunt passed away and left me $10,000.”

“Aw, that’s too bad, Jim,” his friend replied.

“Then last month, my father passed away and left me $20,000.”

“Jeez, two deaths in two months? That’s terrible!”

“And this month… nothing.”

One day, a man walked into a bar with his pet giraffe. He said to the bartender, “Could I have a drink for myself and one for my giraffe, please?”

The bartender, not being in the habit of serving alcohol to animals, hesitated at first but eventually gave in to the persistant pleadings of the man.

The man quickly downed his drink, as did the giraffe. He asked the bartender again for a round of drinks. The bartender complied, thinking, “What harm could come out of a drunk giraffe?”

After several more rounds, the man was a little tipsy and the giraffe was noticably drunk. However, the man asked yet again for two drinks, one for himself and one for his giraffe. The bartender, feeling that he had contributed enough to the delinquency of the giraffe, finally refused the man.

The man then got up from the bar and started walking out of the door, his giraffe following closely behind. However, on his way, the giraffe passed out on the floor of the bar and the man was unable to move or wake him, try as he might.

Frustrated with his own incompetence as a bartender, the bartender said, “Hey man! You can’t leave that lying there!” To which the man promptly replied, “It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”