Jokes News

A True Story, if she had killed herself she’d be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award (might be a problem in the gene pool).

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar.

“Do you want to dance?” asks the man.

“I don’t care much for this song, and wouldn’t be caught dead dancing with you anyway” snips the woman.

“Oh, excuse me, you must have misunderstood — I said you look FAT in those pants!!”

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?” The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, “OK.” And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.” The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?” The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?” The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,”You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley.”

“Your life is not my fault.”

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“Take you hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

“Remember, when you gotta cuff ‘em… nobody is your friend.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“That says POLICE, not taxi!”

“Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?”

“So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

This is a bit of a tongue twister…

A bear walks into a bar in Boise Idaho. “Bartender, give me a beer!”

To which the bartender replies, “I don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise Idaho”.

The bear repeats himself, “Bartender, give me a beer!!!”

“I’m sorry,” repeats the bartender, “but I don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Boise Idaho”.

The bear is becoming upset by this time. “Look,” he says “if you don’t serve me a beer I’m going down to the end of the bar and I am going to eat that woman who is sitting there. Now give me a beer!!!”

The bartender replies, “I don’t serve beers to bears in bars in Boise Idaho.”

The bear proceeds to walk down to the end of the bar and he eats a woman who is sitting there. He comes back to the bartender and asks again for a beer.

The bartender replies, “I don’t serve drugs to bears in bars in Boise Idaho!!!”

“Drugs??” says the bear. “I didn’t want drugs, I just asked for a beer. What are you talking about???”

The bartender answers, “That was the the “bar-bitch-u-ate.”

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn’t get
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. “Now look,” the doctor said, “the
only way you’re going to get it up is to say “beep,” and then to
get it soft again, you say, “beep, beep.”"How marvelous,” the old man said.
“Yes, but I must warn you,” the doctor said,” it’s only going to
work three times before you die.”
On his way home, the man decided he wasn’t going to live
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one
trying it out. “Beep!” he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied,
he said, “beep, beep,” and he was down again. He chuckled
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went “beep,” and the
car in the opposite lane responded with “beep beep.”
Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to
“speed it up.” He raced into the house as fast as he could for
his last great lay. “Honey,” he shouted at her, “don’t ask
questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed.” Caught
up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and
hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
“beep,” and he was UP.
He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
“What’s all this “beep beep” shit?”

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. “I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.”

The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.

“He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.”

After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded….. “But compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asks gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

Here’s the background:

Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of
UNH. (The University of New Hampshire, for those not from the East Coast
of the U.S.)
Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, according to Ian,
this actually happened.

Ian is telling the story.

Her: Yes, I’d like a milk with some coffee in it.
Me: So, that’s just a splash of coffee in a milk?
Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
Me: Is there more milk or coffee?
Her: Oh, definitely more coffee.
Me: So that’s a coffee with some extra milk.
Her: Just the usual amount of milk.
Me: A coffee with milk.
Her: Yes.
Me: Anything else?
Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
Me: We do have decaf.
Her: No, I don’t want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.
Me: Ma’am, that’s what decaf means, no caffeine.
Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
Me: Milk doesn’t come with caffeine.
Her: Yes it does.
Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?
Her: It doesn’t say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.
Me: Oh, you’re right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf
milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?
Her: Do you have any bagels?
Vinnie: (who has been listening all along): I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re al out
of decaf bagels.
Her: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)
Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.
Her: I guess I’ll just have the coffee.
Her: Do you take credit cards?
Me: No ma’am, cash only.
Her: What about visa?
He: Is that a credit card?
Her: Well, yes.
Vinnie: Is it cash?
Her: No.
Vinnie: Then no, we can’t take it.
Her: What about checks?
Me: Cash ma’am, nothing else.
Her: O.K.

Her: How much is that?
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.
Her: Really?
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted
the coffee with no caffeine, that’s hard to find now, had to grow it
myself.
Her: O.K. (proceeds to write a check)
Vinnie: Please leave.
Her: Why?
Vinnie: You’re raising my blood pressure, leave now.
Her: But what about my coffee?
Vinnie: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. Seriously.

10. How do I know anything really exists?
-Kick it *really* hard.

9. What is the essence of being human?
-Not understanding the opposite sex.

8. If a tree falls in the forest, and there’s no one there
to hear it, does it make a sound?
-Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.

7. How do I know I’m not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to
a computer simulation of life?
-Look in the mirror. If you see a gray, spongy thing in a
glass container, you are.

6. Can our minds exist separately from our bodies?
-If they could, we’d just send our minds to class and sleep
in every morning.

5. Is there a God?
-A billion Hindus can’t be wrong.

4. What is the nature of Knowledge?
-I’m still trying to figure out the nature of *college*.

3. What is the meaning of life?
-All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.

2. Why get a Philosophy degree?
-It’s more respectable than a theater degree, but you still
get to drink lots of espresso.

1. So, was Kant on drugs or what?
-Probably.