Jokes News

Little Johnny was thrilled when his turn came to enter kindergarten. To make sure he had plenty of time to eat a good breakfast and get ready on the first day, his mother woke everybody up early–so early that it was still dark.

After looking outside, Little Johnny went down the hall and found his mother dressing in the bedroom.
He looked so troubled that his mother asked, “What’s wrong?” mustering as much cheerfulness into her voice as she could at that hour. “This is your big day!”

Little Johnny blurted out, “You didn’t tell me I was going to night school.”

Bubba’s old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, “Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!”

Bubba got all excited, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, “Hold on, son! We ain’t finished up here yet!” The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, “Hey, Bubba! You got a daughter!”

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, “Hold on again, we STILL ain’t finished!” The doctor then delivered another boy. He said, “Bubba, you just had ANOTHER boy! But don’t worry, ’cause that’s it!”

So Bubba and his wife went home with their three children. When they got there, they were sitting around talking. Bubba said, “Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of Vaseline, and we used that 3-in-1 oil?”

She said, “Yeah, I do.”

Bubba said, “Man, it’s a damn good thing we didn’t use no WD-40!”

English in Non-English Speaking Countries!

Examples of how English is being used in different parts of the world:

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is
rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of
entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted
by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like
to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for
ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but
you’ll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition
of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

George, spotting a nice-looking gal in a bar, goes up and starts small talk. Since she didn’t back off, he asked her name.

“Carmen,” she replied.

“That’s a nice name,” he said, warming up the conversation. “Who named you, your mother?”

“No, I named myself,” she answered.

“Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?”

“Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said, looking directly into his eyes. “What’s YOUR name?”

“Beerf**k,” said George.

Bill went to the restroom to wash his hands and saw this man named Jack. Bill asked Jack how he got his dick so big. Jack replied before sex I hit on the bed three times. Bill said I’ll have to try that. So before he had sex he hit it on the bed three times, and Hillary said, “Jack, is that you?”

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from?”

The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied, “I am from a place where we do NOT end our sentences with a preposition.”

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where are y’all from, bitch?”

A man walks into a bar and orders 5 shots. The bartender lines them up and the man starts shooting them back.

The bartender looks at him and says, “I don’t think you should be drinking them that fast!”

The man looks up and says, “You would too if you had what I have.”

“What’s that?” asks the bartender.

The man stands up and grins and replies, “75 cents.”

What is green and is the “King of Rock ‘n Roll”?

Elvis Parsley

There’s this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outraged, fired me.

When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing.
I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison …”

Two blondes go to a horse auction and buy the two finest there. So when they get them home they say, “How are we gonna tell them apart?” The other one said “We’ll put a notch in one of their ears.”

So the next day they come back and both horses have a notch in their ears in the same place. So now they put a ribbon on one horse’s tail. So the next day they came back and the ribbon had fallen off. So now they cut off the tail on one of the horses. So they came back the next day and both the horses were missing a tail. So the one blonde said, “You take the white one and I’ll take the black one.”