Jokes News

3 blondes found a bottle and rubbed it.Out popped a genie & said he would grant each of them a wish.

The first blonde says, “I want to be smart.”

So the genie turned her into a brunette.

The second blonde says, “I want to be smarter than her.”

So he turns her into a redhead.

The third blonde looks confused and says, “But I want to be even dumber than I already am.”

So the genie turns her into a man.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Mostly you only get an onion with a tail but every once in awhile you get a piece of ass that will bring a tear to
your eye…..

So there is this rich woman who lives in a large mansion.

One day she comes upon the butler and says, “Butler, take off my blouse.” With trembling hands, he takes off her blouse.

Next she says, “Butler, take off my skirt.”

Shaking violently now, he takes off her skirt.

Then she says, “Take off my bra.”

He eases off her bra, still trembling.

Then she says, “Butler, take off my panties.”

Then the rich woman says “And if I ever find you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”

In the garden of eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve
without any clothes.

In this garden,
were 2 little leaves,
One covered Adam’s and
One covered Eve’s.

As the story goes on
Nevertheless to say,
The wind came along
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight Adam did stare
There was Eves treasure
All covered with hair.

And wonder came, under Eves eyes, as Adam’s thing started to rise.

They found a spot,
that suited them best,
A nice big tree where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider and wider apart,
while thrill after thrill,
came into her heart.

The head of Adam’s thing,
peeked into the hole,
and filled her with passion beyond her control.

Backward and Forward his thing did slide,
And Eve’s treasure was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
she wouldn’t let loose,
until Adam’s thing,
was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time for me and you.

So pull down your pants,
lay in the grass cause im in the mood for a peice of that ass!

Mike Tyson is in bed with a girl, and he says, “My life’s a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a rough childhood, I was thrown in jail for rape, my wife left me for beating her up, I’ve lost two world title fights, I’ve disgraced myself and my sport, they want to ban me for life, and Don King stole all my money. Nothing could make my life any worse.”

The girl says, “I can say some thing to cheer you up. You’re a much better lover than Magic Johnson.”

My girlfriend of about 3 years says she cant sleep with me because she’s a man.

Yeah right like I havent heard that one before.

Although it would explain those armpits. I always just thought she was russian.

A boy is sitting in class one morning when his teacher says to the class, “Okay kids, I’m going to say a letter of the alphebet, and you have to tell me a word that begins with that letter.”

“A” She says first, looks around at the hands and picks the boy, “Jimmy?”

“Ass!” The boy shouts.

“Jimmy, one more like that and I won’t pick you. Next, B” She looks around and Jimmy is the only one with his hand up. “Jimmy? Keep it clean.”

“Butt!” He yelled trying to get a reaction.

“Jimmy, you blew it, that’s the last time I’ll pick you.”

She moves down the alphabet, Jimmy with his hand up each time, with her not picking him at all. Untill she got to R, Jimmy was the only one with his hand up. So she thought to herself, there’s nothing that starts with R that’s rude. So she picked him. “Jimmy?”

“Rats.” The boy stood up and said, “Rats with big fucking cocks down to their ankles!”

A lady begins her first shot of the day off the tee. Unfortunately it slices and before she can yell FORE! It hits a man about 150 yrds away.

The man throws his hands together, reaches in between his legs and drops! Feeling terrible about this, the lady runs to him and says, “Are you alright?” He just moans rolling back and forth on the ground with his hands at his crotch. She says, “Let me help you. I’m a masseuse and I’ll massage that for you till the pain goes away!”

So she moves his hands and begins to massage his privates quite gently. He begins looking a bit better and she asks, “Does that feel good, are you alright?” To which the man replies, “Ya that feels great! But my thumb is still killing me from the ball!”

I got pulled over by Las Vegas Metro (the combined police and sheriff’s department) recently, and charged with speeding. The sign read, “25 MPH WHEN FLASHING.” I wasn’t flashing, and I don’t even OWN a raincoat!

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
“Hello?”

“Hello, is this KGB?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds inside his firewood.”

“This will be noted,” said the KGB operative.

The next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz’s house. “Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?”

“Yes.”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yes, they did.”

“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.”