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Eight Rules to Follow when Dating My Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam’s apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too - there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate - ink washes off - and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Bill Gates died, and went to hell. As he got there, he was welcomed by the devil himself, who said, “Welcome, we’re going to give you three choices of rooms.”

The ex-billionaire agreed and Lucifer showed him the first choice. It was very decorated and had a gorgeous, and stunning woman with a bottle of wine, and also included an IBM PC, which was turned on and was Windows 98. Bill Gates didn’t even want to see the other two rooms, and asked for that one immediately. The devil agreed.

Right after that, one of the devil’s servants, very surprised asked, “But chief, this is not hell, how could he get such a fancy room like that?”

The devil answered, “You know the bottle of wine? Well it has a hole, and the woman doesn’t.” Then the servant asked about the computer.

He said, “It’s frozen,and it’s missing three keys. Control, alt, and del.”

By M. Diego and translated from portuguese to english by Brazilian Chick.

The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of love making. The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn’t help but wonder why she wasn’t already in one.

“I can’t help feeling that we’ve met before,” he said.

“Yeah, I know,” sighed the girl, stretching. “It happens to me a lot. I think they call this ‘deja screw’.”

A biology major was taking a cell biology course. The task of the day was examining epitheleal cheek cells under a microscope. They had to scrape the inside of their mouths with a toothpick and make a slide from it and record the different types of cells that were found.

One girl in the class was having some trouble identifying some cells. She called the professor over to ask him.

After a moment or two of peering in her scope, he looked up and said in a loud voice, “Those are sperm cells.”

In a school of young girls, and to welcome the newcoming, the director (a 40 year old woman) gives a word for the students.

And she hits the sex morality subject to alarm the girls about their acts… so she tells them: “In the moment of temptation, ask yourselves… Could an hour of pleasure be compared to a life time of shame?…”

And when she finished her words, one girl raises her hand timidly, and asked the director…

And she said: “Could you tell us, how you could make it last one hour?”

Q: Why doesn’t Hillary Clinton wear panties when she flies?

A: So she can get a better grip on her broom!

A couple takes advantage of a beautiful Sunday afternoon to attend an auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again, the wife bugs her husband: “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do you say to THAT?”

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”

The wife then slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”

The husband was really angry by now and yells back, “Sure, once a day!…But ask the auctioneer if it was 365 times with the same COW!!!”

A man approaches his best friends wife one day when her husband is at the office.

“Will you go to bed with me?” he asks.

“No, my husband would not approve,” she responds.

“What if I give you $1000?”

“Well, for a $1000, I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when he is at work.”

So the man shows up the next day and slaps $1000 on the table and he screws the hell out of her for an hour.

In the evening her husband comes home alittle distraught.

“Was my best friend here today?”

“Yes,” his wife replies with concern.

“And did he leave $1000?”

“Yes,” she replies again, expecting the worst.

“Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came this morning and asked if he could borrow a $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!”