Jokes News

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. The man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!”

The driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”

Two Alabama State troopers were chasing a Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect cross the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over quickly and stopped.

The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, “Hey, Sarge, why did you stop? You almost had him.”

The Sarge replied, “Stupid, Rookie, he’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him now.”

Your mamma’s so black she has to wear white gloves when she eats a Tootsie Roll so she doesn’t eat her fingers.

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, “I’ve got good news and bad news. First, the good news. Today, we’re going to change our underwear.”

The troops start cheering wildly!

“Now, the bad news,” continues the Sarge…”Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy…”

This American general was invited to Ireland to review the Irish troops. His plane landed at the Dublin airport, and the general stepped off the plane. To his surprise, there stood the Irish troops along side the runway. All of them “Buck Naked”. The general said, “A bit unusual, but carry on”.

The general stepped in front of the first soldier for inspection. A fine figure of a soldier: 6′6″ tall, 200 lbs, wide shoulders, narrow waist, hair all over his chest.
The general took his riding crop and smacked the soldier across the face! The general said, “Did that hurt soldier?” and the soldier replied, “No, sir!” and the general said “Why not?” To which the soldier replied, “Because I’m an Irishman, sir!”

“Very good,” said the general, as he moved to the next soldier.

The second soldier looked like a twin of the first: 6′6″, broad shoulders, narrow waist, hair all over his chest, muscles all over. The general reached over and grabbed a handful of chest hair, and just ripped it out. He said, “Did that hurt soldier?” To which the soldier replied, “No sir!” The general said, “Why not?” The soldier replied, “Because I’M AN IRISHMAN SIR!”

“Very good,” said the general as he moved to the third soldier in line.

He looked just like the other two: 6′6″, 200 lbs of muscle, hair all over his chest. The general was looking up and down at the soldier and saw the “Irish Flag” standing tall. The general does a double take, looking down. He takes his crop and SMACKS the FLAG Pole right on its head, saying, “Did that hurt, soldier?” To which came the reply “No, SIR!”
The general said, “WHY NOT?!!!”

The soldier replied, “BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO THE MAN BEHIND ME, SIR!”

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is William Jefferson Clinton and I’m the President of the United States. And right now I’m going trough some minor legal problems that you may or may not have heard about, and these legal problems are probably going to force me out of office sooner or later and that got me thinking the other day. When I’m out of office I’m going to need some sort of steady income to support my family, there’s my beautiful daughter Chelsea and my beaut.. And my wife Hillary. And I can’t forget about all of my side projects, if you will.

So I thought about it for a while and then it dawned on me, start my own business involving two things that I know very well, cigars and interns. That’s right, in your local smoke shop soon, Bill Clinton’s intern rolled cigars. No longer will you have to wonder if your cigar was hand rolled, because I guarentee that all of my cigars are hand rolled by my very own personal interns.

And to top that off, not only are the cigars all hand rolled by my interns, but each intern will seal the cigar in their very own personal way. (Smells a cigar) smells great; (puts cigar in mouth) tastes even better. But the best part about this whole deal is they’re interns, I don’t have to pay them a dime. But out of the kindness of my heart, we do work out an agreement to make sure the interns are taken care of, repeatedly.

So the next time you’re in your favorite smoke shop ask for them by name, Bill Clinton’s intern rolled cigars. But if you can’t wait until then you can call my special 900 number and I’ll rush you out an order of the limited edition Monica Lewinsky cigars. The ones in the blue package with the white writing.

Don’t forget, that’s Bill Clinton’s intern rolled cigars, coming to a store near you as soon as I’m impeached.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than ten years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

“How old are you?”

“I’m four and a half.”

You’re never 36 and a half . . . You’re four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can’t hold you back.

You jump to the next number. “How old are you?”

“I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony.

You BECOME 21 . . . Yes!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED! We had to throw him out. What’s wrong?

What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you’re PUSHING 40 . . . stay over there. You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You’re PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it’s a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday . . .

You get into your 80’s; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My grandmother won’t even buy green bananas. “Well, it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.” And it doesn’t end there . . .

In the 90’s, you start going backwards. “I was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs:

Pulled behind a boat?

Skip

On a Ledge?

Cliff

In a Hole?

Phil

Sitting on a grill with his wife?

Frank and Patty