Jokes News

It was the 18th birthday of three beautiful triplets, and for their birthday their mom brought them three male prostitutes. While they were having sex in different rooms their mom, goes to the first room and hears, one daughter screaming, goes to the other room and hears the other moaning, then went to the final room and heard nothing.

The next day, she asked her first daughter why she was screaming and she replied, “It hurt mommy.” Then she asked her other daughter why she was moaning and she replied, “Because it felt good mom.” When she came to her last daughter and asked her why she heard nothing, the daughter replied in an outrage, “But mom, didn’t you tell me not to talk with my mouth full!”

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

“How are you, darling?” it said. “What kind of a day are you having?”

“Oh, Mother,” said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, “I’ve had such a bad day. The baby won’t eat, and the washing machine broke down. I haven’t had a chance to go shopping; and, besides, I’ve just sprained my ankle, and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess, and I’m supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight.

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. “Oh, darling,” she said, “sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I’ll be over in half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I’ll feed the baby, and I know this great repairman who will be at your house promptly to fix the washing machine. Now stop crying. I’ll take care of everything. In fact, I’ll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.”

“George?” said the housewife. “Who’s George?”

“Why George! Your husband! …….. Is this 223-1374?”

“No, this is 223-1375.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I dialed the wrong number, but your voice sounds just like my daughter’s.”

There was a short pause, and the housewife said, “Does this mean you’re not coming over, after all?”

why didnt the skellyton cross the road?

because he didnt have the guts!

JOE USED TO GO TO SCHOOL VERY DIRTY AND SHABBY.

ONE DAY THE TEACHER SENT HIM BACK HOME WITH A NOTE”SEE THAT JOE TAKES A BATH EVERY DAY”

NEXT DAY THE BOY CAME BACK IN THE SAME CONDITION BUT WITH A DIFFERENT NOTE”TEACH HIM DON’T SMELL HIM”

As part of a complete physical, I was now performing the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the eye chart and began.

“Cover your right eye with your hand, and tell me what you see.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

“Now, your left.” Again, a flawless reading.

“Now both,” I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.

I was laughing too hard to finish the exam!

A guy by the name of George died and found himself waiting to be let into Heaven. As George stepped up the gates Saint Peter asked him his name. George answered and Saint Peter ran his finger down the list. “I’m sorry, you’re not on the list. I’m afraid I can’t let you in.”

“There must be some mistake. I’ve lived a very decent life on Earth. The only thing that I’ve done wrong was cuss the other day on the golf course.”

“Well, why don’t you tell me what happened,” said Saint Peter.

“Well, I was on the 13th hole, and I drove the ball stright into the mud. Since it was my last ball, I had to play it the way I had found it. There was a big grove of trees in the way.”

“Is that when you cussed?” asked Saint Peter.

“No,”said George,” I took a swing at it, and I completely missed the ball.”

“Is that when you cussed?”

“No,” replied George,” I decided to take another swing at it. I hit it with all my might and it popped out of the mud, flew over the trees, onto the front of the green, and rolled about 12 inches away from the flag.”

Said Saint Peter, “JESUS CHRIST! YOU DIDN’T MISS A GODDAMNED ONE FOOT PUTT, DID YOU?”

What do blondes and turtles have in common?

Once they are on their backs they are fucked!!

Your Horoscope

AQUARIUS: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same stupid mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES: Feb. 19 – Mar. 20 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people you resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

ARIES: Mar. 21 – Apr. 19 You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

TAURUS: Apr. 20 – May 20 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

GEMINI: May 21- Jun. 22 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini’s are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER: Jun. 21 – Jul. 22 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which make you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

LEO: Jul. 23 – Aug. 22 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honesty criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

VIRGO: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22 You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA: Sept. 23 – Oct. 21 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you’re probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: Oct. 22 – Nov. 21 The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS: Nov. 22 – Dec. 19 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are a worthless piece of shit.

CAPRICORN: Dec. 20 – Jan. 19 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Q: Why dosn’t Smokey the Bear have any children?

A: Because every time Mrs. Smokey Bear gets hot, he hits her with a shovel and throws dirt on her!

This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite.

Just then he says to the groom, “Sir, It is now 6 o’ clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards.”

The groom looks at him and says, “Thank you, but we won’t be needing any” and off he and his bride go to the room.

The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn’t stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service.
“Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?”

“Sure, what would you like?” asks room service.

The groom says, “Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you’d better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and six litres of orange juice!”

Room service replies, “Gee, that’s quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?”

“No that’s just for me, can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?”

Room service asks, “Why six pieces of lettuce?”
And the groom replies, “No, I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!”