Jokes News

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ‘penis’ in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”

T’was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year

Instead of “Thanks Santa” - what do I hear

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain’t damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money

And the kids these days - they all are the pits

They want the impossible …Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo’s - No request for them

They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

If you think that’s bad…just picture this

Try holding those brats…with their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard

And if I don’t smile..the parents think I’m weird

Flying through the air…dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment

I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There’s no Christmas this year…now you know the reason

I found me a blonde.. I’m going SOUTH for the season!!

“I Suck at My Job”
“What Really Goes Down in the White House”
“How I Blew It in the White House”
“Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President”
“Clear and Present Boner”
“Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule”
“Going Back for Gore”
“Podium Girl”
“Secret Services to the President”
“The Congressional Sutdy on White House Intern Positions”
“Al Gore is in Command for the Next 30 Minutes”
“How to Beat Off the Government”
“Going Down and Moving Up”
“Members of the Cabinet”
“Me and My Big Mouth”
“How to Get a Head in Business”

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?

A. A brunette with bad breath

There were three preachers stuck on an island together.

The fist preacher said, “Well, while we’re on this island we might as well confess our sins to God.”

Well the second preacher said, “Why not.” So the fist preacher said,”I have a drinking problem. As soon as come
home from church I want to turn up some whiskey.”

The second preacher said, “I have a problem. Every time I come home from church I go looking for a woman.”

The third one said, “I have a problem, I like to gossip. And I can’t wait to get off this island and tell what I just heard.”

Confucius say:

“Virginity like bubble. One prick … all gone!”

“Man who run in front of car get tired.”

“Man who run behind car get exhausted.”

“Foolish man give wife Grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ!”

“Man with one chopstick go hungry.”

“Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.”

“Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.”

“Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.”

“War does not determine who right. War determine who left.”

“Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.”

“Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.”

“Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!”

“Man who tell one-to-many light bulb jokes soon burn out.”

“It takes many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.”

“Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!”

“Man who sit on tack get point.”

“Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.”

“He who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.”

Two priests were done for the day and decided to head for the showers. When they got in they realized neither one had brought soap, so one of them says, “I’ll be alright to go out in the hall naked just to get some soap”, so out he goes and is on his way back with 2 bars of soap when 3 nuns come walking down the hall.

The priest froze and pretended he was a statue, with the bars of soap in each hand trying to cover himself up.
The first nun says, “Look at the statue!” and pulls his dick and the priest drops a bar of soap and she says, “Look I got a bar of soap.”

The second nun does exactly the same thing and she says, “I got a bar of soap also.”

The third nun steps up and pulls his dick and says, “Oh look I got hand soap”!!