Jokes News

The American Kennel club has decided to recognize these new
breeds of Dogs that are the result of cross breeding

Collie + Lhaso Apso: Collapso, a dog
that folds up for easy transport.

Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

Bloodhound + Borzoi: Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun.

Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier: Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

Pekingese + Lhaso Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever: Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers.

Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned by…..oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway.

Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that’s true to the “END”.

Have you heard that they are now testing a vigara pill for women? The only problem is they fake taking it.

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine on #1, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

“Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee back up to the Men’s Tee, please!!”

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement–”Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S Tee kindly back up to the Men’s Tee.”

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, “Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?!”

What do Micheal Jackson and K-Mart have in common?

boys pants half off!

Q: What do you get when you cross Monica Lewinski with Ted Kzinski?

A: A dynamite blow job.

“I love cats…they taste just like chicken”

“Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.”

“Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death”

“Cover me. I’m changing lanes.”

“As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in publicschools”

“The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.”

“Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.”

“Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.”

“REHAB is for quitters”

“I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!”

“Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep”

“SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver”

“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather….Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….”

“Montana — At least our cows are sane!”

“I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!”

“According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.”

“Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.”

“Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.”

“A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.”

“How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?”

“I’m not as think as you drunk I am”

“Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !”

“He who laughs last thinks slowest”

“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”

“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”

“Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.”

“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”

“Puritanism:The haunting fear that someone,somewhere may be happy.”

“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.”

“i souport publik edekasion”

“We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.”

“Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…”

“3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.”

“Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”

“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”

“2 + 2 =5 for extremely large values of 2.”

Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.”

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

AFTER TEN BEERS AND 12 BRANDYS VAN DECIDES TO CHECK WHETHER HE CAN STILL WALK HOME.
PUSHING HIMSELF AWAY FROM THE BAR COUNTER HE TESTS HIS LEGS , BANG, HE FALLS DOWN.
VAN THEN TRY’S AGAIN, BANG HE FALLS DOWN.HE THEN DECIDES TO CRAWL OUT TO THE LAMPPOST IN FRONT OF THE BAR,PULLING HIMSELF UP TO TRY ONE MORE TIME. BANG FLAT ON HIS BUTT.
REALISING HE ONLY LIVES AROUND THE CORNER HE DECIDES TO CRAWL HOME.
THE NEXT MORNING WHEN HE WAKES UP, HIS WIFE IS WAITING FOR HIM,”YOU BEEN DRINKING AGAIN HAVEN’T YOU?”
“HOW’D YOU KNOW?” VAN REPLIES
“BECAUSE YOU LEFT YOUR WHEELCHAIR AT THE PUB AGAIN.”

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn’t eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven’t even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy! What’s an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!

Mommy, Mommy! What’s for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I’ll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! I’m sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I’ll flush it again!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandma’s got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her three times this week.

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! What’s in those CARE packages they
send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!

Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! What’s a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! Whats an orgasm?
I don’t know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy! Billy won’t let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie’s ear. All right Billy, give me the ear. Billy! Let go of her ear!

Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy’s guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.

Mommy, Mommy! What’s a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!

Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa’s going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you’ll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up son or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor

Mommy, Mommy! The milkmans here; have you got the money or should I go out and play?

Mommy, Mommy! Why’s everybody running?
Shut up and reload.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I’ll grind your other hand.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! What’s a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots!

Mommy, Mommy! I hate spagetti!
Shut up or I’ll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! There’s something in daddy’s eye!
Shut up and eat around it.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?
Shut up son, and keep licking.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.
OK boys, same again…

Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t we get a garburator?
Shut up and chew!

Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma’s nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won’t fit over your iron lung.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!

Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!

Mommy, Mommy! I’ve lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!