Jokes News

This is the of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunkbeds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy, remembering that he little brother is sleeping below, tells his girlfriend to whisper “lettuce” if she wants it harder and “tomato” if she wants a new position. As they are getting into it, she moans, “Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce!”

Then the little brother chimes in, “Hey, would you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You’re getting mayonnaise all over my face!”

A teacher writes the following on the board and asks this blonde to punctuate it:
fun fun fun worry worry worry

This is what she wrote:
“fun PERIOD fun PERIOD fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!!”

Y-to-K Date Change Project Status

“Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y-to-K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, and December.

As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak,
Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, and Saturdak.

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around today.

The teen says, “Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young, did they?”

Grandpa replies, “Nope.”

His grandson says, “Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?”

Grandpa replies, “A wedding ring.”

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.

The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak…

Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men’s underwear.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And it has been used!

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!

1 nun: Oh, No!

99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!…

An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for purchasing “behavior modification reinforcers.”

Her superior saw the item and asked, “What on earth is that?”

“Lollipops,” the teacher explained.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

When my economics professor had an alarm installed in his house, he insisted they leave him warning stickers for every window.

Ever the thinker, he recouped half the cost of the alarm system by selling the stickers.

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

“HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?” he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”

“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.

“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?”

One day far in the jungle a little tiki bird was watching a female elephant bathe herself. The little bird flew down onto the elephant and whispered in her ear. “Miss Elephant, my lifelong desire is to have sex with an elephant. What do you say we get it on?”

The elephant thought to itself what can a little tiny bird do to me! I’ll let him live out his desire. So the elephant said, “Go ahead little bird, get it on”.

As the little bird was going to town on the elephant, a monkey up in a tree had been watching the whole affair and got excited and started to jump up and down. The monkey jumped so hard it shook a coconut loose from the tree and it fell and hit the elephant on the head. The elephant reared up and let out a loud roar.

Just then the little bird said, “What’s wrong, honey, did I hurt you?!”