Jokes News

Question: How are women and tornadoes alike?

Answer: They both blow like hell in the beginning and in the end they just take the house.

he said "tsunami? What the hell is a tsunami? The last time i saw a tsunami was between two peoces of white bread and mayonnaise"

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Man walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.The barman asks where did you get that from.The frog replies it started as a boil on my ARSE.

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Q. What does a leper say to a prostitute when
he is finished?

A. Keep the change

An Army private, filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course, was stymied by the question, “How long has your present employer been in business?”

He thought for a moment, then wrote, “Since 1776.”

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.

4. Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You’ve just seen the photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

and the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually active…..

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for “doggy style.”

Two friends were talking. Suddenly, one turns to the other and asks, ” If you woke up one morning with grass stains on your knees and a condom hanging out your ass, would you tell anyone?”

Embarrassed, the other man stammered, “Why, no, of course I wouldn’t!”

To which the first man asked, “Would you like to go camping next weekend? “

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful valley, where the grass grew green and the people were happy. A river flowed through the center of this valley, providing life and water to all who needed it.

Also in this valley lived the Twids. The Twids were friendly people, but they were very small. In fact, Twids were about the height of an average person’s knees. Anyway, these twids lived happily and in harmony with the world around them.

On top of a mountain overlooking the valley of the Twids lived a giant. Now, this was not a mean or hostile giant, but he was careless, as giants tend to be. One day, the giant was out enjoying a bright summer’s day by kicking rocks around, as giants will do. Quite accidentally, the giant kiked a rock into the Twids’s river and stopped it up. But, since giants are naturally unobservant, he didn’t notice and went about his merry way.

Back in the village of the Twids, panic was spreading quickly. After all, the river was the source of life for the twids, without it, they would surely die. Thus, the twids called a town council meeting to discuss the problem. After much brainstorming, the Twids realized that the only way to save themselves was to move the rock. Now, this was an especially large rock, and the Twids, being less that technologically skilled, could not figure out a way to move it. Finally, one bright young Twid lad stood up and said, “Why don’t we ask the giant to move the rock for us?”

The elders, being appalled that such a simple solution escaped their sharp minds, decided to send the young boy to the giant’s mountain to request the favor. The boy went happily and the village waited in anticipation for his return.

Upon reaching the summit of the mountain, where the giant’s home was located, the boy slowly knocked on the enormous door three times. Suddenly, the door swung open and the giant, seing who it was at the door, immediately kicked the young Twid back down the mountain.

As he crawled back to the village, broken and bloody from his encounter with the giant, he described his experience to the villagers.

Days passed. The crops of the Twids began to wither and die. The villagers were becoming desperate. Finally, at another town meeting, they decided that someone else should venture to the giant’s home.

Another Twid went up the mountain and the same thing happened to him. The villagers were devastated.

Not being ones to give up, they continued to send people to the home of the giant, but all of them met with the same fate.

One day, a rabbi wandered into town and was over come with the sad state of the Twids. He asked the head elder if he could do anything to help, and the elder explained their situation to the rabbi.

The rabbi thought that he could venture to the mountain’s summit and talk with the giant, for surely he wouldn’t kick a rabbi down the mountain. It was just in poor taste.

So, the rabbi began the climb up the mountain. When he finally got to the top, he hesitantly knocked on the door and waited for the giant to answer it. After a few seconds, the door opened, and the giant said, “Well hello, rabbi, so nice of you to visit me today!”

The rabbi, overcome by the gracious greeting of the giant, hastened to explain his reasons for coming. After he told the giant of the problem with the rock, the giant said, “Sure, I’ll fix it, hold on.”

With that, the gianto went bounding into the valley to remove the rock. The river once again began to flow.

When the giant returned to the mountain, the rabbi said, “Thank you, giant, but the Twids came up here to tell you about the problem on several occasions, why did you kick them back down the mountain?”

And the giant replied, “Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Twids!”

How do you get an Irish girl pregnant ? answers please The answer is The answer. . . . The same way every other woman gets pregnant, you have sex with her . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . and ya think the Irish are stupid

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Tags: irish girl, joke

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