Jokes News

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is
Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled “You’re a jerk!” and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word “Jerk,” and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and then I’d yell, ‘You’re a jerk!” It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, “Hello.” I made up a name. “Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID program?” He went, “No!” and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a jerk!” The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there’s ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-2248.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, “You can’t just do that, Buddy. I was here first!” The guy climbed out of his Camero completely ignoring me.

He walked toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy’s a jerk, there’s sure a lot of jerks in this world.

I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-2248 and yelling, “You’re a jerk!”(It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial).

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I’d better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, “Hello.” I said, “Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?” “Yes it is.” “Can you tell me where I can see it?” “Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street.

It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front. I said, “What’s your name?” “My name is Don Hansen.” “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” “I’m home in the evenings.” “Listen Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes.” “Don, you’re a jerk!” And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call.

Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered
nicely saying, “Hello.” I yelled “You’re a jerk!” But I didn’t hang-up. The jerk said, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah..” He said, “Stop calling me.” I said, “No.” He said, “What’s your name, Pal?” I said, “Don Hansen.” “Where do you live?” “1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s parked out front.” “I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers.” “Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jerk!” and I hung up. Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, “Hello.” I said, “Hello, Jerk!” He said, “If I ever find out who you are…” “You’ll what?” “I’ll beat you up.” “Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now Jerk!” And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2’s house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, “We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!”

If men got pregnant…

- maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.
- there would be a cure for stretch marks.
- natural childbirth would become obsolete.
- morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
- all methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
- all children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
- men would be eager to talk about commitment.
- briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
- they wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
- paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
- they’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
- restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
- women would rule the world.

Question: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: None. They generally screw in the Oval Office.

What’s the difference between Buddha and Bill Clinton?

Buddha is in a screwy religion.
Clinton screws religiously.

A man named Joe was traveling through the countryside and decided to stop at a bar for a drink. Inside, some of the local patrons were watching the evening news on TV. As a picture of Hillary flashed on the screen, Joe said, “There’s a horse’s ass.”

Right after he said this, a man walked up to him and knocked him off his stool.

A few seconds later, the news showed Chelsea Clinton. Joe said, “There’s another horse’s ass.”

As soon as he finished his sentence, someone else walked up and knocked him off his stool again.

Just as Joe got back up, the news showed a film clip of Bill Clinton. Without thinking, he said, “There’s the biggest horse’s ass of all!”

Immediately, someone else walked up to him and knocked him off his stool again.

When he got back up he said, “What is this, Clinton country?!”

Someone else said, “No, this is horse country.”

SMURF SEX. This happens during the honeymoon; you keep doing it until you’re both blue in the face.

KITCHEN SEX. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

BEDROOM SEX. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

HALLWAY SEX. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, “Fuck you!”

COURTROOM SEX. This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

Jones took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. ‘This is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor,’ he said. ‘Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous.’

‘We’ll see,’ the doctor said. He directed Mrs. Jones into his examining room, closed the door behind him, and told her to undress. Then he told her to get onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. This was too much for the doctor to resist, so he climbed on top of her and began to have sex with her.

Jones heard moans and groans coming from the examination room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.

‘What are you doin’, Doc?’ he shouted.

The flustered doctor said, ‘Oh, it’s you, Mr Jones? I’m taking your wife’s temperature!’

Jones opened his switchblade knife and began to hone it on his sleeve very deliberately. ‘Doc,’ he said, ‘when you take that thing out, it sure better have numbers on it!’

The Little Boy And The Sailor

In a restaurant between San Diego and Camp Pendleton, a young boy was playing in the restroom sink when a sailor came in.

“Wow Mister!” said the boy, “Are you a REAL sailor?”

“Yes I am! Why, would you like to wear my hat?” replied the sailor.

“Neato! Thanks mister!” said the boy, donning the hat and continuing to play in the sink.

Shortly after the sailor entered a stall, a Marine came in.

“Wow Mister!” said the boy, “Are you a REAL Marine?”

“Yes, I am kid. Why, do you want to suck my dick?” replied the Marine.

“Oh gosh no mister! I’m not a REAL sailor, I’m just wearing the hat!”