Jokes News

What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old woman doesn’t?

her navel

Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

"More and more news coming out about this Osama bin Laden guy. He's 6'5" and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA calls him, a rookie."
-Jay Leno

these are some different points to ponder:

1. I still miss my ex….but my aim is getting better
2. I want to die asleep like my grandfather….not screaming like the passengers in his car.
3. If women can have pms, men can have espn.
4. If American mothers feed their children with small forks and knives, what do Chinese mothers use….perhaps toothpicks??
5. 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveing at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair–there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Ummmmm, yeah…” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Ever catch ALL the fish?”

Why dont men ever get mad cow diesease?

Because all men are PIGS!

Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her, “Is something bothering you? You look anxious.”

“Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market,” Jill explained.

“Oh, that’s too bad,” Linda sympathized. “I’m sure you’re feeling sorry for him.”

“Yeah, I am,” Jill admitted. “He’ll miss me.”

While down South on a visit, the young Yankee made a date with a local lovely. When he called for her, she was clad in a low-cut, tight-fitting, long dress.

He remarked, “That’s certainly a beautiful dress.”

“Sho ‘nough?” she asked sweetly.

“It sure does,” he replied.

16) Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of “Lord of the Flies.”

15) Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some waterpaints, and no pants.

14) “OK, kids! Gather ’round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!”

13) Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.

12) First school fund-raiser is for the Salman Rushdie fatwa reward prize.

11) No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret’s School for the Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA.

10) Practice of “trapping and killing your lunch” not mentioned in brochure.

9) Leather-clad teacher announces that the letters for today are S and M.
Two words: Full Montessori

7) The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.

6) She can’t say her ABC’s, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.

5) Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.

4) For snack time, it’s always anchovies and Clamato.

3) “Do-Bee” always seems to have the munchies.

2) The teacher sends home a note reading, “Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps getting into my tequila.”

and Top5’s Number 1 Sign You Put Your
Kid in the Wrong Pre-School…

1) On the first day, the children are divided into “pimps”
and “hos.”

The owner of a small travel agency saw an attractive couple gazing at his travel posters. Suddenly inspired, he ran up and told them his idea. “I’ll give you an all-expenses-paid vacation in exchange for appearing in ads endorsing my agency.” They agreed on the spot.

Three weeks later he met them at the airport. While the man checked on their baggage, the travel agent asked the woman about the trip. “The food on the cruise ship was wonderful,” she said, “and flying the Concorde was a thrill. But I do have one question. Who was that man I had to sleep with every night?”