Jokes News

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed, he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”

She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold-medal-winning-quarter-miler.”

“How so?”

“He’s got his time down to under 40 seconds.”

Why’d the pervert cross the road?

He had his dick in the chicken!

A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat, the priest said, “Have you noticed that there are no women in this bar?” He then realized the truth, “I think we’re in a gay bar.”

A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn’t know quite what to do. The rabbi leaned over and whispered something in the man’s ear.

The man nodded and walked off.

The relieved priest said, “Thanks. What did you tell him?”

The rabbi replied, “I just told him we’re on our honeymoon.”

Your mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the super bowl!

Q. What is the blonde mating call?
A. “Oh God, I’m so drunk!”

Q. What is the ugly blonde mating call?
A. “I SAID, ‘I’m so drunk!!’”

When old Mr. O’Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O’Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.

“Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald,” she confided, “and he’d never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they’re through paying their last
respects.”

“Rest assured, Mrs. O’Leary,” comforted the undertaker, “I’ll fix it so that toupee will never come off.”

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O’Leary’s corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. O’Leary offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

“Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept your money,” protested the undertaker. “After all…what’s a few nails?”

A Colonel, a General, and an Admiral were discussing which military branch had the most balls.

The Colonel took the General and Admiral to one of his Air Force bases and told one of the airmen there to jump from a flying plane at 30,000 feet. With a quick salute, the airman did as he was told. He went up in the plane and jumped without a parachute at 30,000 feet and splattered all over the place.
The Colonel said “Now that’s balls.”

The General took the Colonel and the Admiral to one of his Army bases and told a soldier to stand in front of a tank and catch the bullet. The soldier saluted smartly and marched off. He stood in front of the tank and got hit squarely with the shell and exploded.
The General said, “Now that’s balls”

The Admiral took the Colonel and General to one of his Navy bases and took them out to one of the ships. The Admiral found a sailor up in an antenna array and told him to jump down to the deck 90 feet below. The sailor looked down and said to the Admiral, “Fuck you, sir.”
The Admiral looked at his companions and said, “Now THAT’S balls.”

Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A. You ‘neak up on it.

Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A. Tame way.

the one im really looking for is what bridget jones wore in the 2nd bridget jones diary film! it's excellent and i really wanna find either the pattern or somewhere who sells jumpers with christmas things on it! hehe

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