Jokes News

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is”.

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $00,001
Knowing where to put it $49,999

The bill was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Mailman John walks down the street. It is is last day on the job.

The first door he comes to, the people hand him fruit and flowers and said that they appreciated his work.

The next door he comes to the people give him home-baked chocolate chip cookies and said the same thing.

Then the next door he comes to, a beautiful blonde answers the door and says “come in”.

He comes in and they do it, and they come downstairs and the blonde fixes him breakfast.

The blonde hands him a coffee cup and there is a dollar bill under it. The mailman asks what it was for and the blonde replies, “Well, I asked my husband what he thought I should do for you and he said ‘Screw him, give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?”

The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

———————————————-

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?”

“No, I lost an electron!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m positive!”

A young woman and Mandy, her 6-year-old daughter, were in New York City trying to hail a cab when the little girl noticed several women who were obviously prostitutes dressed outrageously and loitering seductively on a nearby street corner.

A taxi pulled over and Mandy and her mother climbed in. As Mandy’s mother was about to tell the driver their destination, Mandy asked what the ladies on the corner were waiting for.

Thinking quickly, her mother replied “They’re waiting for a bus, Dear.”

The cabbie looked at her in his rearview mirror and said “Cut the bullshit, lady. Tell the little girl the truth. Them broads is whores.”

Mother was about to scream at the driver when Mandy asked “Mummie, do the whores have any children?”

“Of course, Amanda”, mother replied. “That’s where taxi
drivers come from.”

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “Aye, That he did, Father…”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun…’”

A transcript from the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute:

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press–no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the
hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Q. Why do men marry women?

A. Because sheep can’t cook!