Jokes News

A well-dressed matron swathed in a beautiful leopard fur coat was accosted by a screaming animal activist who yelled, “And what poor creature had to die so you could have that fur coat??”

The woman replied, “My aunt in Cleveland.”

General Mark W. Clark, noted for his service during World War II in Europe, Africa and the Far East, was once asked what was the best advice he had ever been given. “To marry the girl I did,” he replied.

“And who gave you that advice?” was the next question.

“She did,” said the general.

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, “I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you dear!”

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and a month’s supply of beer, saying, ” I bought all these things for you. They’re my gifts to you, because I love you so.”

The third girl invested the $1,000.00 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand, and four thousand more, to the young man, saying, “I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That’s how much I love you, my dear.”

The young man was very impressed by all the responses. He thought long and hard, giving the matter his most careful consideration, and finally married the one with the biggest boobs!

The more you study the more you know.
The more you know the more you forget.
The more you forget the less you know.
WHY STUDY!?

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is.
2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4 - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
5 - I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6 - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7 - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9 - If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small
country.
10 - I don’t jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

and last but not least

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog….. you add one minute to your life …. This enables you, at 85 years old…. to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

John walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of viagra.

The pharmacist says, “Do you have a prescription?”

John says, “No, but here’s a picture of my wife.”

Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.

“And just what do you think you’re doing?” she demanded.

“Sorry,” said the young man, “but we’re all out of the bottled stuff. I’ve got to give you draft.”

If Pro is the opposite of con, then Progress is the opposite of Congress.

There were these two guys in a bar, and after they had gotten drunk and after a few hours of being there, one of them saw a very attractive girl walk in.

He asks the other guy, “Why don’t you ask her to dance?”

So he went and asked her to dance, and she said, “No, I’m concentrating on matrimony and I’d rather sit than dance.”

The guy comes back, depressed, so his fried asked, “What happened, did she say yes?”

He replied, “No, she said that she was constipated on macaroni and she’d rather shit in her pants.”

JO BOB: Hey man, did you hear about Oprah Winfrey?

JON BOY: No I didn’t Jo

JO BOB: Yah, she got busted for cocaine last week.

JON BOY: No Way!

JO BOB: Yep, she was at the Airport last week and the inspecting guard lifted up her dress. There it was, 50 pounds of CRACK !!