Jokes News

One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff asks, “Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town undressed like that?”

Billy Bob replies, “Well Sheriff, me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin’. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a-kissing and a-cuddlin’ and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well then Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same.

“Well, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then Mary Lou lay herself on the hay and said ‘Okay Billy Bob, let’s go to town!’

I guess I’m the first one here.”

Thinking “outside the box” may have its advantages, but consider this situation.

A game chap is applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad.

“What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?” the chief engineer asks him.

“Well,” says the applicant, “I’d call my brother.”

“Why would you call your brother?”

“He’s never seen a train wreck before.”

Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “Hey, Moe!”
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe
Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to
forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard
enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical
finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and
referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to
choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.
Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the
doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the
information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into
two categories–those who are no longer accepting new
patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part
of the plan. But don’t worry–the remaining doctor who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office
just a half day’s drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged
when they want to talk about existing conditions.
Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of
medicine?

A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need
the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave
me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000
yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-
patient surgery, but I’d already paid my bill. What should I
do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the
reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to
invest the money for you in one of those great offers that
only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or
frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I’m away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn’t do that. You’ll have a hard time
seeing your primary care physician. It’s best to wait until
you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists
he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really
perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is
the $10 co-payment, there’s no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an
appointment by then.

This guy was sitting at a bar and was talking to some friends. He was asking them why he couldn”t get his wife to have sex with him. They told him to go home, get butt naked, and start giving his wife oral sex. He thought it was a good idea and decided to give it a shot.

He went home that night and did exactly what the guys at the bar told him to do. He got butt naked and found his wife lying on the bed waiting for him. He gave her the best oral sex he’s ever given. She shook and climaxed very quickly. Afterwards he went to the bathroom and found his wife sitting on the toilet. He said, “How did you get here so fast?” And she said, “Shhhhhh, be quiet! My mother is sleeping in our bed.”

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal,
agree that…

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01 And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl’s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and
longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby’s butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard…

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men”.

Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household
items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator,
garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and
toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

As a Republican, I’ll have to admit that Bill and Al are largely responsible for our booming economy.

Of course, I’m referring to Bill Gates and Alan Greenspan!

There was a fire one night at a convent, and several retired nuns who lived on the fourth floor were trapped up there. They were praying for the Lord to show them a way out of the fire when one of the sisters screamed, “We need to take off our robes, tie them together and climb down to safety.”

Later, as they were recounting their narrow escape to reporters, they were asked if they had been afraid that the crude rope might break. “Oh, no,” they said. “You see, old habits are hard to break!”

yo mama is so hairy when you were born, you got rug burn