Your momma is so fat...
She irons her clothes on the driveway.

"I'm a double bagger. Not only does my lover put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off."
-Joan Rivers

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

“WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.”

“No problem” says the Wizard, “WHO IS NEXT?”

Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain.”

“Done” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the Great Wizard?”

Up steps George Bush sadly, “I’m told by the American people that I need a heart.”

“I’ve heard it’s true” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?”

“Is Dorothy around?”

Fruitcake
—————–

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cup dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of
dried fruit. Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose
with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can
find. Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out the window.

Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

A man was stranded in the desert, and he was desperately horny. As he was walking he saw a camel. He ran to it and started humping it. The camel got scared and ran away.

He continued walking, still really horny. He saw another camel and thought that he wouldn’t let this one get away. So he ran to it and started humping it. The 2nd camel got scared and ran away.

Now he was really desperate. It happened again the third time but the camel still got away.

As he continued walking again, he heard a voice. It was a girl’s voice. He followed the sound of her voice and to his astonishment he saw a naked girl tied to a tree. She said, “Oh please, kind sir, help me get down from here. I promise I would do anything..”

The man thought for a second… “Wow, what luck! This is my chance at last!” His eyes gleamed as he said, “You’d do anything? Anything I ask?”

The girl replied, “Oh yes, kind sir, anything… please… just help me get down from here!!”

The man helped her down and said, “You said anything right?”

The girl said gratefully, “Yes, anything!”

The man said, “Okay, do you see that camel over there? Could you just hold it for a second ’cause….”