Jokes News

Your momma is so fat...
She irons her clothes on the driveway.

"I'm a double bagger. Not only does my lover put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off."
-Joan Rivers

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

“WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.”

“No problem” says the Wizard, “WHO IS NEXT?”

Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain.”

“Done” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the Great Wizard?”

Up steps George Bush sadly, “I’m told by the American people that I need a heart.”

“I’ve heard it’s true” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?”

“Is Dorothy around?”

Fruitcake
—————–

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cup dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of
dried fruit. Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose
with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can
find. Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out the window.

Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

A man was stranded in the desert, and he was desperately horny. As he was walking he saw a camel. He ran to it and started humping it. The camel got scared and ran away.

He continued walking, still really horny. He saw another camel and thought that he wouldn’t let this one get away. So he ran to it and started humping it. The 2nd camel got scared and ran away.

Now he was really desperate. It happened again the third time but the camel still got away.

As he continued walking again, he heard a voice. It was a girl’s voice. He followed the sound of her voice and to his astonishment he saw a naked girl tied to a tree. She said, “Oh please, kind sir, help me get down from here. I promise I would do anything..”

The man thought for a second… “Wow, what luck! This is my chance at last!” His eyes gleamed as he said, “You’d do anything? Anything I ask?”

The girl replied, “Oh yes, kind sir, anything… please… just help me get down from here!!”

The man helped her down and said, “You said anything right?”

The girl said gratefully, “Yes, anything!”

The man said, “Okay, do you see that camel over there? Could you just hold it for a second ’cause….”

When you’re feeling so important
And your ego is in bloom
When you simply take for granted
You’re the wisest in the room
When you feel your very absence
Would leave a great big hole,
Just follow these instructions
They will humble any soul.
Take a bucket filled with water
Put your hand in to the wrist,
Pull it out, the hole remaining
Is how much you will be missed.
Splash wildly when you enter,
Stir a lot and splash galore,
Then stop, and in a minute,
It looks just like before.
The moral of this story
Is do the best you can
Be proud, but please remember,
There’s no indispensable man.

There’s this guy who forgets his coat somewhere and forgot where. He goes to the store and finds out a replacement coat cost $250 bucks.

Astonished he goes to a church to sit and think what to do. He enters the church and hears the sermon going on.

As he passes the coat rack he sees a coat identical to his own. He plots to wait for the end of the sermon then to make off with the coat.

He sits and listens to the preacher. The preacher then starts to recite the ten commandments. After the sermon the man goes to the preacher and says thankyou I was about to commit a terrible sin.

I was plotting to steal a coat because I lost my own. Then I heard you recite the ten commandments and changed my mind. “Oh,” said the preacher you must have heard me say “thou shalt not steal.” “No,” says the man “I heard you say thou shalt not commit adultery and I remembered where my coat was.”

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat.
He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

“Just a minute!” I said. “Those aren’t fat-free.”

“Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!”

This guy decides to leave the city and become a farmer, so he sold all his possesions and bought a farm.

Upon arriving he thought he would need a few animals, so on foot he takes out walking and comes upon a sign that says chickens for sale, so he goes and talks to the farmer. “Well, son, around here, we call them pullets.”
So he says, “Give me one.”

He goes on until he sees a sign that says roosters for sale, same conversation with farmer, with the farmer explaining, “We call them cocks around here,” so he takes one.

Going on down the road he sees a sign that says donkey for sale, and farmer explaining, “We call them asses around here,” so being tired he said, “I’ll take it.”

The farmer says, “Only one fault to him; he will take and stop in the middle of wherever you are going, and you will have to raise its tail and tickle it.” So he loads on the donkey, cock under one arm and pullet under the other

Right in the middle of the old dusty road the ass stops on him. A man passing by said, “Sir, may I help you?”

“Yeah,” he said, “would you hold my cock and pullet, while I tickle my ass?”

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
-Rodney Dangerfield