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Pepito is at home doing his Math homework.

Pepito: “Two plus five the son of a b**** is seven. Three plus six the son of a b**** is nine”. In that moment, his mother comes in.
Mother: “But Pepito, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?!”
Pepito: “I’m doing my Math homework, Mom”.
Mother: “And is that what your teacher taught you?”
Pepito: “Yes”

Next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Pepito’s school to talk to the teacher.
Mother: “I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?
Teacher: “Oh, sure. We are learning addition problems.”
Mother: “And… are you teaching them to say two plus two the son of a b**** is four?”
Teacher:”Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.”

A guys walks into a bar and buys a beer. He drinks half and pours the other half on his hand. The bartender looked at him funny but didn’t say anything.

The guy buys another beer and again drinks half and pours the other half on his hand. Again, the bartender couldn’t figure out what he was doing. He carefully watched as the guy asks for another beer. The bartender gives it to him. The guy drank half and poured the other half on his hand.

Finally the bartender says, “Why do you keep pouring the other half on your hand??”

“My date and I are having a drink.”

St. Peter greeted two newcomers at the Pearly Gates. One was a pope; the other was a lawyer. He ushered The Pope to a small shack and settled him in to his austere quarters; then led the lawyer to a huge, luxuriously appointed mansion.

“I don’t understand,” the lawyer puzzled. “That man was a Pope, and you gave him a shack. And yet, you’ve said I am to live in this luxurious, huge mansion. Why?”

“Sir,” said St. Peter. “We’ve had lots and lots of popes, here. But, you, sir, are our very FIRST lawyer.”

A rabbi who was seriously ill in the hospital received a large vase of flowers, along with a message which read: “The congregation wishes you a speedy recovery by a vote of two hundred and twelve to seventy-four.”

There was a pheasant sitting on a branch,trying to get to the top of the tree, but just didn’t have the energy to get to the very top. He looked down and there was this bull right below him at the base of the tree. The bull looked up and could see the frustration in the pheasant’s eyes, and said, “Whats Wrong?” The pheasant told him he needed to get to the top, but just didn’t have enough strength. The bull, trying to be heplful, told the pheasant, “Come on down here and have some bull dung, it will give you energy.”

The pheasant figuring he didn’t have anything to lose, dropped down to the heap of the bull dung, next to the bull and took a few bites. He flew up to a higher limb on the tree, but couln’t quite get to the top. The pheasant figured, “Well it got me here, if I have some more, maybe I can get to the top.”

So, he hopped back down, had some more bull dung, and this time flew right to the tippy top of the tree. Right then, the farmer who owned the land stepped out on his porch saw the pheasant sitting on top of the tree, grabbed his shotgun, took aim and shot the pheasant dead.

The moral of this story is… bullshit may get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there!!!

The blonde wife came home from her first day of commuting into the city. Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey, are you feeling all right?”

“Not really,” she replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward on the train.”

“Poor Dear,” he said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for awhile?”

“I couldn’t,” she replied. “There was no one there.”

A cute little koala bear walked into a local pub and seated himself at the bar. As he was enjoying his favorite refreshment a lady of the evening approached and seated herself next to him.

“Hi,” she said,”who are you?”

“I’m a little koala bear,” he answered.

“Well,” she cooed,” do you know what I am?”

“Oh, sure,” answered the koala, “I know what you are.”

“Well then, maybe you’d like to go upstairs with me then?”

“Sure!” smiled the koala,” I’ll go upstairs with you.”

They went upstairs to a waiting bedroom and there made passionate love. After he was finished the koala bear got up and started to leave the room.

“Hey, wait a minute honey!” said the prostitute.”Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“No,” replied the koala thoughtfully,”I don’t think so.”

“I don’t think you understand,” she said, taking a large dictonary down from the shelf. “Here, let me show you. See what it says here? ‘Prostitute’, a woman who sells sex for money. Money! M-O-N-E-Y! Where is my money?”

“Oh,” laughed the koala bear. “You’re the one who is confused.” He took the dictionary and turned to another page. “Here! See what it says? ‘Koala bear’, a small animal indigenous to Australia that climbs, eats bush and leaves!”

Man was horrified. 'Only twenty years of normalsex life?' but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. 'But I don't need twenty years', he protested, 'ten is plenty for me.' Man spo

What do you call a deer with no eyes, and no legs?
Still no I deer!!!

Everytime I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."