Jokes News

One day, while President Clinton was at “work” in the oval office, a secret service agent comes in and says, “Mister Clinton , I’ve got bad news, good news, and worse news. The bad news is there is a protest outside for your resignation as president, the good news is there’s only one protester.”

Clinton replies, “So what’s the really bad news?”

The agent says, “It’s Gore sir.”

One day God, Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf. Jesus and Moses have both hit respectable 250+ yard drives on a par 4 with abundant water hazards.

God takes his hit; lots of power in the stroke but he hooks badly, and the ball soars toward a deep pond. As it hits the surface, a trout rises beneath it to take a fly; the ball bounces off its head and deflects into the rough. A rabbit which was grazing peacefully there sees the ball land beside him, picks it up in his mouth and scampers off along the fairway. An eagle cruising above spots the bunny and after a steep power dive with talons flashing seizes the rabbit, and the unfortunate rodent is carried aloft. The eagle flies a perfect course towards the green, and just before it reaches the hole the heavens part and a bolt of lightning strikes the bird. The shock causes it to drop the rabbit, which lands on the green two feet from the pin. Stunned by the impact of the ground breaking his fall, the rabbit opens his mouth, the ball rolls out and trickles into the cup for a hole in one.

And Jesus says, “Aw dad, it’s only a game!”

This is the discussion of two men talking about the end of the world:

Man 1: What would you do if you knew the world was going to end in twenty minutes?

Man 2: Hell, I’d fuck anything that moves. What would you do?

Man 1: I’d stand perfectly still.

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Postman: I’ve had to walk five miles to deliver this letter to you.

Farmer: You should have mailed it.

Two men were sitting on a park bench having a conversation.

“You know,” the first man said to the other, “I only need to take half of a Viagra”.

“Half of a Viagra?” the second man asked, “Why only half a Viagra?”

The first man replied, “It’s not that I am really interested in sex. It’s just that I was tired of peeing on my shoes!”

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An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there’s nothing I can do about it.”

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”

The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”

The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you’re mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine.”

“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”

“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”

There was an old miser who was close to death. While on his deathbed, he gathered his family around to tell them his last requests.

“I want one of you to take all my money and put it in a box in the attic. That way, when I die, I can take it to heaven with me.”

A couple of days later, the miser died. After the funeral, the family once again gathered at the house. The widow went up to the attic and came down, carrying the box. She held it in front of everyone and opened it. The cash was still there!

“Darn fool,” said the widow, “I told him he should have put the box in the cellar!”