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Little help lol.

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Your momma is so fat . . .
She falls off BOTH sides of the bed!

Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things.
-- George Carlin

Two men were talking about their lives one day, while driving to a boat show. One of the men was single, and the other was married with two children. They crashed into an incoming 18- wheeler and died on impact.

When they went to heaven’s waiting room, Peter told the single man he was not allowed in heaven, but let the married man in. The single guy, frustrated and mad, asked Peter why he let the married man in but not him.

Peter replied: “You see, only married men go to heaven.”

The single man asked why, and again Peter responded: “They have suffered a great deal while on earth!!”

Subject: SPECIAL TRAINING

TO: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST.(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Bill Clinton arrived Friday in the Virgin Islands to deliver a speech.

That’s not all he delivered.

After he left Monday morning, the government had to change the name of the place.

On a lonely country road, the driver jammed his car's brakes just in time without knocking down an old man who was wearing a totally dark suit and wooden cloak. The car'sheadlights were not on and the street lights were not working either. There were no m

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, “Will you buy booze?”

The bum said “No.”

The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?”

The bum said, “No.”

Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

An old fellow was snoozing away, contentedly, when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman.

“Oh, my goodness,” the pretty young thing exclaimed. “I’m at the wrong house.”

“Sweetheart, you’re at the right house, the old guy assured her. “But you’re forty years too late!”

Q. why did the blonde have square breasts?

Because she forgot to take the tissue out of the box.