Jokes News

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times…
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…

Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!”

Two guys were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under a blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.

Out popped a tired old genie who said, “Okay, I’ve been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now guys, and, quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys only get one wish and then I’m outta here… so make it a good one.”

The first guy blurted out, without thinking, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!”

“Fine,” said the genie, and the entire ocean was instantly turned into beer.

“Great move, Einstein,” said the second guy, slapping the first guy on the side of the head. “Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat.”

Q.How do you start a marathon in Packistan?

A.Roll a penny down the road

A pretty girl is driving through the West when her car runs out of gas. Along comes an Indian and gives her a ride to a gas station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final “Yaaaa-Hooooo!” and gallops off.

“My God!” says the gas station attendant, “What the hell were you doing to make him holler like that?”

“Why, nothing,” says the girl, “I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn.”

“Lady,” says the attendant, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

I will be flying tomorrow, so let’s take a look at these RULES OF THE AIRWAYS:

Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are MANDATORY.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. LANDING is the first!

Everyone knows a “good” landing is one from which you can walk away. But a “great” landing is one where afterwards, you can re-use the airplane.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Learn from the mistakes of others, or you won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain …. but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain on your next flight.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying, and about flying when he’s with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Ya mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

WHAT DID ONE TAMPON SAY TO THE OTHER TAMPON?

“NOTHING! They were both stuck up bitches”

The town founder had passed away, and the whole town turned out, as did his family who arrived from all over the globe. This threw the mortuary into an uproar. They had some employees doing two or three jobs and others switching jobs to get everything done.

After the chapel services, all the members of the funeral party piled into the different cars for the drive to the cemetery. The procession was very long, and one group of family members, not knowing the way, decided to ask the driver how much farther it would be.

The patriarch tapped the driver on the shoulder and said, “Pardon me….”

The driver let out a startled scream and turned with a grimace of horror to see who had tapped him. In doing so, he drove the car into the ditch and through a farmer’s fence, almost overturning it. After calming everyone down, the driver somberly apologized and explained, “I’m so sorry for what happened, but you see, I’m usually driving the hearse.”

Here are some examples of WHY English is the most difficult language to learn:

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and can’t find condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill beside it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

“Look,” the pharmacist says, “if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t bet.”