Jokes News

A bus, whose doors are open all the time was riding through town. In comes an old woman, and as she find herself a seat, she suddenly felt the urge to pee.

Unfortunately, her stop is still far away, so she decided to pee out of the bus’s door when no one is looking.

As the bus rides, she went to the most back door, lifted her skirt and peed. Unfortunately though, some of her pee landed in a young man’s face, who happened to be riding his bike as the bus passes.

He raced the bus until it’s next stop, boarded the bus and told the driver to wait. The huge and terrifying young man shouted, “OK, WHO WAS IT THAT JUST SPIT ON ME?”. Nobody answered, so he asked once again, ‘COME ON, I WOULD SOON FIND OUT ANYWAY, SO CONFESS AND I WON’T DO YOU TOO MUCH HARM!!! EVEN IF I DON’T FIND OUT, I’LL BEAT YOU ALL UP”

The old woman, out of fear and pity to the other passengers finally stood up and said, “It was me, young man”.

The man replied, “It wasn’t you lady. I think it was a bearded guy”.

The teacher asked the students to bring an electrical appliance for “Show and Tell,” and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy, “What did you bring?

“I brought a Walkman.”

“And what is it for?”

“You can listen to music with it!”

“That’s nice, Wendy. And what did you bring, Kenny?”

“I brought a ‘lectrical can opener. It opens cans!”

“Well done, Kenny. But it seems that Johnny didn’t bring anything!”

“Yes, I did. It’s in the hall.” The whole class looks out into the hall.

The teacher said, “What is THAT?”

“It’s a heart/lung machine that they use in hospitals to keep your heart going!”

“And what did your father say about your bringing it to school?”

He just said, “AAAAAAAARRRRRRHHHHHH!!!”

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
l cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:

The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:

2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake(eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet

1. If you eat something and no
one sees you eat it, it has no
calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with
a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone
else, calories don’t count if you
do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of
calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no caloriessince the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

This drunk walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a ride home. The bartender tells the drunk he’d better ask someone else.

He walks over to a waitress and asks her for a ride. she agreed to.

As they walked out she warned him that she was on her menstrual cycle. The drunk said ” Baby, I don’t care what you’re on just as long as you gimme a ride home.”

There are 3 roosters that live on 3 different farms. The first rooster is straight. The second is bi- and the third is gay.

The first rooster crows “Cock a doodle doo”

The second rooster crows “Oodle doo cock”

And the third crows “Any cock ull doo”

Ive looked everywhere, nothing. PLEASE HELP!!

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On his first date with a woman who wasn’t overly intelligent, Ogden decided to take her to the county fair. While walking around and looking at all the festivities, they came to the area where they auction livestock. Ogen’s date walked up to one of the pens and asked, “Ogden, why doesn’t this cow have horns?”

“Well,” replied Ogden, ” sometimes cows don’t get horns until they are 7 or 8 years old. And sometimes, cows don’t get horns until they’ve calved. And the reason this doesn’t have horns is because this..this is what they call a horse.”

An old codger goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the poor old bloke is hard of hearing.

After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, “Right, I’ll need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis.”

The old man didn’t quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, “What did the Doctor say?”

The wife replies, “He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear.”

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful."I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey.""That's nothing," said the mountain lion,"I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth

an arab was interviewed at US checkpoint ur name please? ---abdul asis sex? ---6 times a week i mean male or female? ---sometimes even camel holy cow!!! ---yes cows and dogs too. man isn't that hostile? ---hostile, dogstyle, any style oh dear!!! --- deer?