Jokes News

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-- Steven Wright

A Church of England vicar and a Methodist minister have been having a friendly meeting at the residence of a Catholic priest. As they start to think about leaving, the priest offered them a whisky to help them on their way.

“Don’t mind if I do, thanks,” says the vicar, and is given an ample glassful. “And yourself?” says the priest to the Methodist minister. “What? Drink alcohol?” says the minister aghast. “Why, I’d rather commit adultery!!” At this the vicar spits his whisky back into his glass: “Wahoa! … I never realized there was a choice …”

Q: Why are women so bad in snowboarding and skiing?

A: Because there is no snow in the kitchen.

While John Ford was directing a film for Samuel Goldwyn, the shooting schedule fell one day behind. Goldwyn visited the set, pointed out this fact, and inquired what the director was going to do about it. “Sam, about how many script pages do you think I should shoot a day?” asked Ford. “About five,” was the rather uncertain response. Ford picked up the script and ripped out five pages. “Okay,” he said, now we’re back on schedule.”

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list:
****************************************
1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. “The Day After” is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression “you sound like a broken record” means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that the Sony introduced the Walkman.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
32. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.
33. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
34. They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
35. They never heard the terms: “Where’s the beef?,” “I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” or “de plane, de plane!”
36. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
37. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
38. Michael Jackson has always been white.
39. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
40. McDonald’s never came in styrofoam containers.
41. There has always been MTV.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?”

The other replies, “Oh, sure I do.”

The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”

The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, the first old lady asks……”Who drives you to the beach?”

Your brother is so stupid,

He threw away a bag of m&ms because they were to hard to peel.

The NFL announced today in a press conference that one team from the
league needed to be eliminated. What officials have decided to do is combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS….

They’re only good for one period and have no second string.

"Personal" ad in local paper:

David G. Contact me soon!

Bring three rings:

Engagement, wedding, and teething.

Have news.

Debbie.