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your momma’s so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!

“Resumania” is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of
RHI Consulting’s parent company, to describe the
unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’
resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here’s some
examples:

“I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness,
efficacy, and expertise.”
(And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary,
evidently.)

“Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed
down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for
another opportunity.”
(No problem …)

“Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two
are usually inseparable.”
(Glad to hear it.)

“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
(And bonuses “tied to” his shoe size?)

“I am very detail-oreinted.”
(With the possible exception of spelling)

“I can play well with others.”
(We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)

“Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.”
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

“Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.”
(Have you considered law school?)

“My salary requirement is $34 per year.”
(They say money isn’t everything.)

“Served as assistant sore manager.”
(Ouch.)

“Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic
lifestyle.”
(So you’re willing to travel?)

“Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco.”
(Definitely to the point.)

“I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I
live.”
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

“Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice
president’s girlfriend could steal my job.”
(We’re glad you’re not bitter.)

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that??!!”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “that was my mistress.”

The wife says, “That’s it; I want a divorce.”

“I understand,” replies her husband, “but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. “Who’s that woman with Jim? ” she asks.

“That’s his mistress,” replies her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” says the wife.

What do you do with a bulimic at a bachelor party?

You watch the cake jump out of the girl!

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister was, Mom decided to play a trick on her.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store and sent her for it. While she was gone, my mom took the turkey out of the oven un-stuffed it, re-stuffed it with a Cornish game hen, put the stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back in the oven.

When it came time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out this little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!!!”

At the reality of this horrifying nenws, my sister started to cry. It took my mother two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Q: When do you know it’s time to purchase air conditioning?

A: When Satan passes you coming from the kitchen with a glass of ice water.

blablablablafsdf no yet blogger

I’m having problems with the ” signs” not sure how to “solve” it

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.40. The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The man smiled. “Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

ENDLESS LOVE: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.

Digital circuits are made from analog parts.

Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

A company is judged by the president it keeps.

The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Windows 98 …… a 64-bit file system patch on a 32- bit extension and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company, that can’t stand 1-bit of competition.

One night a group of buddies decide they are going to go out drinking at their favorite bar. But one guy, Fred was his name, said that his wife would be mad if he stayed out too late. “That’s alright,” said one of the friends, “After you come home, sneak into bed and give her oral sex. She will love it so much she won’t care that you stayed out so late.”

So after the guy had a great night out with his buddies he comes home, goes upstairs and quickly slides under the covers of his bed. He slides down his wife’s panties and starts performing oral sex. She moans and groans with pleasure and after he thinks she is satisfied, Fred realizes he has to take a leak. He sneaks out of bed to the bathroom. When he opens the door he is suprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.

“What are you doing here!” says Fred

“Shhhh,” whispers his wife, “You’ll wake my mother.”