Jokes News

An 80 year old man went to Hollywood to pick up a
prostitute and get some action. He noticed one hooker in
particular and started flirting with her. The prostitute
started becoming annoyed and said, “Get lost old man!
You’re ruining business!”

“Sure would like to get some action tonight,” said the old
man.

“You’ve got to be kidding! You’re too old! You’re all
finished.”

“What did you say?” asked the old man.

“You heard me - you’re all finished.”

“Oh,” replied the old man, “how much do I owe you?”

It's a Terrorwrist

Boom Boom.

President: “This is a great day in our country. I as your President have come up with a sure fire way to fix many of our social issues. The issue of education for example is one with many pitfalls. The best manner in which to solve this issue is to create efficient and low-cost methods by which we can give all visitors to our great nation the impression of prosperity.”

Questioner: “Really? How so?”

President: “Well, you see, the idea is to create what I call “Virtual Institutions”. Instead of building actual schools and hospitals, we will build signs which will guide would-be students and patients in endless circles trying to find their facilities. With the obvious financial savings, we can create even more fighter planes to destroy our enemies!”

Question: “And what of our injured? Or those of us who will be left uneducated?”

President: “I plan to convert all hospitals into DNA labs, designed to create millions of Velociraptors that will devour the weak (who are supposedly looking for hospitals) and the stupid (who ae looking at the virtual signs wondering what they missed).

Question: “And our country wil now be in the hands of vicious prehistoric creatures?”

President: “In a manner of speaking…”

Questioner: “Since when did you become a Republican?”

Stumpy Grider and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said, “Ya know Mahtha, ah’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.” And every year Martha would say, “Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

So Stumpy says, “By Jeebers Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old, if I don’t go this time I may nevah go.”

Martha replies, “Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

So the pilot overhears them and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won’t charge you, but just one word and it’s ten dollars.”

They agree and up they go…the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing…so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you holler out, but you didn’t!”

And Stumpy replies, “Well, ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out…but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!”

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

5. Hmmmmmm. I think it’s out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.

3. It’s an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn’t:

1. It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there!

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

Why did God make men first?

Because you always make a rough draft before a masterpeice!

Jack is walking past an insane asylum one day. As he gets closer to the fence, he hears a lot of voices chanting, “Twenty-two! Twenty-two!”

This attracts Jacks curiosity, and it just so happened that at just that time, Jack came upon a knothole in the fence. He bent over, and as he peeked inside, a finger reached through the hole from the other side and poked him in the eye. He staggered backwards, and continued walking down the sidewalk.

On the inside he heard loud cheers, and then a chant of “Twenty-three! Twenty-three!” began.

Al Gore comes home from work one day and says to Tipper. Did you know that Bill is gay?

She says how do you know that?

Al says, “I was in the White House urinal today standing next to him and he was jerking off.”

Tipper says, “That doesn’t mean he’s gay.”

Al says, “I think it does ’cause he was using my dick!!!”

Why did O.J. Simpson move to Alabama?

Because DNA is all the same there!