Jokes News

1. Don’t ever lie to us, we always find out.
2. We don’t enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don’t say you understand when you don’t.
4. Girls are petty, get over it.
5. You don’t have PMS; don’t act like you know what it’s like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don’t.
8. Size does matter.
9. We don’t like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a hoe.
12. It’s good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn’t, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won’t always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can’t help it.
16. We are drama queens.
17. Fashion police do exist.
18. **************Don’t ask us to give head; IF you are NICE you just MIGHT get it.*****************
19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball or anything else you and your friends talk about.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don’t shave our legs every day, get over it.
22. Don’t make bets about us, we always find out.
23. Shave- no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
24. Even is you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other strange gases from your body, it is not.
25. Don’t compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson’s, hers are fake.
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps.
28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren’t.
29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick so why the hell can’t you piss in thetoilet and not on it…………seriously!!!
30. Most importantly- we are always right- so don’t forget it.

Q: Why are lesbians fat?

A: Cause they always eat out and don’t do dick.

How do you make a Chinese guy blind?

Put a windshield in front of him!

Q: What do you call a Phillipino contortionist?

A: A manilla folder

A blonde was asked the capital of California was. She answered “C”

An elderly woman went to Chicago representing her small church delegation at a religious conference.

After checking into the hotel, she entered the elevator to go to her room. When she looked up, she noticed that there were two incredibly large black men in the elevator next to another mid-size black man. Being from a small town and having never been to the big city, the woman was terrified.

As the elevator door closed and the woman turned around one of the men said (in a strong authoritative voice), “Hit the floor!” The woman froze in horror, ready to drop to the ground.

The woman turned around to face her attackers. At this point the man said, “Which floor, lady!”

When the men realized what she had thought they were doing, they burst out laughing. As she exited the elevator at her correct floor she could still hear them laughing as the elevator ascended upwards.

The next day the woman was checking out of the hotel and asked to see her bill. The hotel clerk handed her the bill. On it was this note. “I have paid your bill with pleasure. You have given me one of the best laughs ever! Signed, Eddie Murphy.”

(True story, as told to me by Becki Patten)

Mary and Jamie are courtin and Mary says to Jamie “Jamie would ya like to hold me hand?”

Jamie says ” Oh, I would how’d you know”

“I can tell by the look in yer eye” says Mary

They walk a little bit further and Jamie turns to Mary and says ”

Mary would you like it if I gave ya a wee kiss?”

Jamie “Oh, I would how’d ya know?”

Mary ” I can tell by the look in yer eye?”

They walk a little bit further and Mary turns to Jamie and says “Jamie would ya like to make love ta me?”

Jamie says ” Oh, I would how’d you know?

Could you tell by the look in me eye?”

“No!” says Mary “I can tell by the tilt in yer kilt!”

The 27 non-functional parts of a man:
20 nails that don’t nail
1 belly button that doesn’t button
2 tits that don’t give milk
1 cock that doesn’t crow
2 balls that don’t bounce
1 ass that doesn’t do any work!!

Q: What do you call a cow that has just dropped its calf
A: Decalfeinated

Q: What do call a cow with three legs
A: Lean beef

Q: What do you call a napping bull?
A: Bull dozer

Q: Why don’t cows like the new round bales of hay?
A: They don’t get a square meal

Q: What do you call a cow with only two front legs?
A: An udder drag

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far, and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in.” said the woman.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules…”

And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in Heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you’re STAFF.”