Jokes News

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile was cherubic.

“This is a very special coffeecake,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.’”

“And sure enough,” he continued, “after the eighth time around the block, there it was!”

Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A. full

There were three couples at the Pearly Gates. The first one walked up and asked to come in. St. Peter said, “I can’t let you in.” The guy said, “Why not?” He said, “You liked alcohol so much that you married a girl named Brandi.”
That couple walked away bummed.

The next couple walked up and asked to come in. St. Peter said, “I can’t let you in.” The guy said, “Why not?” St. Peter said, “You liked money so much you married a girl named Penny.” They walked away bummed also.

The next guy said, “No use in us going up there. Come on Fannie.”

Q: Why do dumb blondes like cars with sunroofs?

A: More leg room

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, “Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too.”

Sam says, “Well, we like to eat out, too. What was the name of the restaurant?”

Herb says, “You’re going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?”

Sam says, “You mean ‘rose’?”

“Yes, yes, that’s it!” cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. “Rose. Hey, Rose! What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?”

KEEP HONKING WHILE I RE-LOAD

TAXATION WITH REPRESENTATION ISN’T MUCH BETTER

MY WIFE SAYS I DON’T LISTEN TO HER. I THINK THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.

YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU’RE STILL AN IDIOT

IF YOU CAN READ THIS, I CAN HIT MY BRAKES AND SUE YOU.

IS A GRUNTLED EMPLOYEE THE OPPOSITE OF A DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE?

WHEN SIGN-PAINTERS GO ON STRIKE, WHO PAINTS THEIR PICKET SIGNS?

WHAT ARE PREPARATIONS A THRU G?

WHY ARE THERE BRAILLE SIGNS ON DRIVE-THRU ATMs?

WHY DO WE DRIVE ON A PARKWAY AND PARK ON A DRIVEWAY?

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. “Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?” one asked.

“He got this hare brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car,” his coworker replied.

“How was he going to do it?”

“He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea.”

“So what did he end up with?”

“Ten years to life.”

One day Snow White was going upstairs to take a shower and the seven dwarfs decided that they would go outside and stand one on top of each other’s shoulders to build a ladder and look into the window.

They told the guy on top to tell them everything that’s happening and they would pass it down the line to the others.
Suddenly, the top dwarf whispers, “She’s taking off her shirt..” The other dwarfs repeat, “Taking off her shirt”, “Taking off her shirt”, “Taking off her shirt”….

He then turns to them and says, “She’s taking off her skirt..”, “Taking off her skirt”, “Taking off her skirt”, “Taking off her skirt”….

A few seconds later he turns and says, “She’s taking off her bra..”, “Taking off her bra”, “Taking off her bra”, “Taking off her bra”….

Just then, there was a rustling in the nearby bushes and so the dwarf says to the others, “Shhh…. someone’s coming..” “Me too”, “Me too”, “Me too” ….

There was this boy who woke up one night with a nightmare. He cries, “Mummy, Mummy!” His mother came rushing into the bedroom and the boy told her that he had a dream that Grandma died. So a week later, his Grandma died.

The boy woke up another night screaming and he told his mother that he dreamt that Grandpa died. Strangely enough, a week later Grandpa died. The boy woke up yet another night screaming that he had a nightmare in which his father died.

The mother told the father and he became very cautious. He watched his health and treated his body excellently. So a week passed and the postman died.