Jokes News

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.

Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog reply’s, “Ribbit Lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?,” the man asks “Ribbit 3 wood.” The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man yakes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Kiss Me.” He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl.

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

King Richard issued a decree that all Knights Templar must
be prepared to join him the following day on the next Crusade.

Sir Ardmore, who had been married to his beautiful young wife for only a week, buckled her up in a chastity belt and called in his faithful manservant, Harold.

“Harold”, he said, “I’m entrusting you with the key to Elizabeth’s chastity belt. If I should fail to return within three years, use the key and marry her.”

After a tearful farewell, Sir Ardmore had ridden about ten minutes from the castle when he turned and saw Harold on horseback coming after him.

“Wait, Sir Ardmore”, shouted Harold, “You left the wrong
key.”

A priest and a sailor go golfing and they’re on the 16th hole making a putt. The priest putts and makes it, but the sailor misses and says “Aww fuck I missed”
The same thing happens on the next hole and the sailor says “aww fuck I missed then the priest says”I would’nt say that God could do something real horrible.
On the third hole the same thing happens and the sailor yells “aww fuck I missed” then a cloud comes from the heavens and shoots a lightning bolt and kills the priest and a voice from the cloud says “aww fuck I missed”

Shaquille O’ Neal’s Mom: My Shaq could dunk at the age of 10!

Mozart’s Mom: Mozart could play piano at 5!

Monica’s Mom: We couldn’t keep a banana in the house…

She offered him honor.
He honored her offer.
All through the night,
It was honor and offer.

A woman went for a breast enlargement. The doctor said, “Which kind would you like? You have two options. One is silicone which is expensive. The other is a less expensive pill, but it is still in the experimental stages. There might be side effects.” She chose the pill which was much cheaper. The doctor told her to come back in three weeks for a check-up.

When she went for her return visit, the doctor said, “Those pills really worked! You now have very large breasts.”

She said, “Thank you.”

The doctor then said, “Take off your shirt.” When she did so, he noticed she now had a full growth of chest hair. The doctor said, “That must be the side effects. How far down does the hair go?”

She replied, “Right down to my balls.”

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable, because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I’m lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed,” she called, “The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it. You know where the button is.”

I protested through the shower pitter-patter. “Reset it yourself.”

“I am scared” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in? C’mon, it’ll only take a second.”

No logical assurance about how a disposal can’t start itself, will calm the fears of a person who suffers from “Big-ol-scary-machine-a-phobia,” a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain; kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I’d have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She (Buttons, aka the Grater) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now, when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed.

It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far.

The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.

“What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”

If they had only known.

A little boy and his father were taking a walk in the park when they came upon a pair of dogs, the male vigorously humping the female. The little boy asked his father what the dogs were doing. The father explained that the dogs were making puppies.

A few nights later the little boy was awakened in the middle of the night by loud noises coming from his parent’s bedroom. He goes to their door, opens it and sees his father making love to his mother. The little boy asks what they are doing. The father explains that he and the mother are making a little brother or sister for the little boy.

With that the little boy says, “Well, could you flip her over ’cause I’d rather have a puppy!!”

A blonde says to another: Do you smoke after getting fucked?

The other says: Oh, I don`t no. I’ve never looked!!

Q: What happens when you mate an owl with a rooster ?

A: You get a cock that stays up all night.