Jokes News

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENT
December 17, 1998

‘Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.

The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.

The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.

And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening’s nap.

When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.

When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.

With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!

More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

“Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let’s forget about The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! I’m no Richard Nixon!!!”

“From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!”

And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As they scratched their heads and were turning around
The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.

No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.

A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.

The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.

And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.

He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him “The Jerk.”

And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By “Wagging The Dog,” up the polls he rose.

He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.

They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
“Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night.”

There was this blonde and she was going to New York. When she got on the plane she went up to first class and sat down. When the flight attendant asked to see her ticket she realized that she didn’t belong in first class, so she asked the blonde if she could move back to coach and the blond said …”I am blond, I am sexy, and I am going to New York so I am not moving.”

The flight attendant tried to explain that there were only enough seats in first class for the ones who paid for first class so she would have to move, and again the blonde answered, “I am blond, I am sexy, and I am going to New York so I am not moving.”

So the flight attendant went and got the co-pilot and asked if he could get her to move. He went and gave it a try and she gave him the same answer “I am blond, I am sexy, and I am going to New York so I am not moving.” So he went back to the pilot and told him what was going on. The pilot said, “Here I will handle this. I am married to a blonde. I will get her to move…”

Sure enough he came back just a couple of min. later and he had gotten her to move. The flight attendant and the co-pilot both said, “Wow how did you do that?” And the pilot said “I told you I am married to a blonde”…The co-pilot said, “Well, what did you say to her?”

And the pilot said, “I just told her that part of the plane wasn’t going to New York.”

What is the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits until puberty to splooge on your face.

A grandfather overheard his granddaughter repeating the alphabet in reverent, hushed tones.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m praying, Grandpa,” she said. “I can’t think of the right words, so I just say all the letters. God will put them together for me, ’cause he always knows what I’m thinking.”

Q: What do you call a bunch of Texans watching the Super Bowl?

A: The Dallas Cowboys

One day a guy was driving in his car when it broke down.

He saw a house and it was raining so he decided to ask if he could stay for the night.

So he knocked on the door and a grandma came to the door and he asked if he could stay the night.

The Grandma said yes and took him to a room.

This room had clothes hanging down and it scratched and tickled his face, so he ripped them down.

The grandma got mad and made him sleep on the couch.

On the couch a cat really started to bother him so he got so mad he got a shaver and shaved it.

The grandma got really mad and made him sleep in the barn.

This was bad because the old grandma had a donkey that kicked him.

The guy got so mad that he kicked the donkey back.

This time the lady got so mad that she called the Police and said, “Police, Police, I need you to arrest this man in my house, he ripped my clothes, shaved my pussy, and kicked my ass!”

There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :

“HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER.”

So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said “But I can’t hire a dog.”

The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, “OK, can you first type this document?” and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.

Flustered, the employer then said, “Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?” and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.

The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, “But are you bilingual?”

The dog said “Meow!”

What do corn flakes wear on their feet??

Keloggs!!!!!!!!

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde & a boxer?

A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down,
and a blonde lies down to get knocked up!