Jokes News

A soon to be bride went to her doctor’s office for some advice before her honeymoon. “Doc, I’m getting married in two weeks and I’ve told my fiancee that I am still a virgin. I have had sex many times before I met him, but I want it to feel to him like I am still a virgin. Is there anything to can do for me?”

“Medically…no,” said the doctor. “But I have suggested this in the past to women with the same concern. On your wedding night before you make love to your husband, slip a rubber band around your inner thigh. When he enters you, snap the rubber band and tell him that it is your viginity snapping.”

Without any other options, she decided to give it a try.
On their wedding night, she snuck in the bathroom before going to bed to put the rubber band around her thigh. She got back in bed and the newlyweds began some heavy petting. As he entered her, she snapped the rubber band.

“What the hell was that?” exclaimed the startled husband.

“Oh, nothing,” she replied nervously. “It was just my virginity snapping.”

“Well snap it again!” he shouted. “It’s got my BALLS!”

This doesn’t quite qualify as a Darwin Award, but it comes pretty close…

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly — and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.

“The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him,” said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. “With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes — a billion-to-one shot, at least.”

The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began April 23 when the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound African elephant didn’t seem to be producing his usual poop aplenty.

“Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe constipation can kill an elephant,” assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman recalled. “He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema. I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control.”

But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only from the knees down. “I had never really thought about it before,” Det. Dern said. “But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity — and not something that should be attempted alone.” Shrugging, he continued, “Well, at least the elephant feels better.”

Ron and Elaine had been married ten years, had no children, and were beginning to drift apart. Elaine told her mother one day that she thought her marriage was in trouble.

“For God’s sake, Elaine”, said her mother, “you and Ron have to see a marriage counselor. Ron’s a wonderful guy, and you’ll never find anyone who’d be as good to you as he is.”

So Elaine phoned her cousin Harriet, who’d been through marriage troubles herself, to get the name of a good counselor.

“Go see Anne Rogers,” said Harriet. “She’s the best there is.”

So Elaine brought Ron to their first counseling session and Anne got right to it. “Tell me about the problem” she said.

Elaine spoke first. “we just don’t seem to have much fun together anymore, at least not like we used to.”

“Tell me about your sex life” said Anne Rogers.

“Oh, we have a great sex life” said Ron defensively. “We make love every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday nights right after the sports and weather.”

“Excuse me,” said Elaine, “but what you call ‘making love’ is when you jump on me, come in thirty seconds, and fall asleep before I can even get interested.”

“OK, there’s your problem” said Anne. “This whole routine is stale, dull, and totally predictable. You have to be spontaneous about sex. Passion doesn’t work on a timetable…you have to seize the moment. I want you to forget about this Monday Wednesday Friday routine and just make love when you both get the urge. It doesn’t matter if it’s twice a day or twice a month…just do it when you want to. Will you do that?”

Anne Rogers didn’t hear from Ron and Elaine for several weeks after that initial session and was curious to know if they had worked out their problem. She phoned Elaine and made an appointment for a follow-up meeting.

Ron and Elaine came into her office and snuggled closely together on her couch like newlyweds. “Well,” smiled Anne, “it looks like you two are pretty much a couple again. Why don’t you tell me what happened.”

Ron spoke first. “We were having lunch right after our first session with you that day, and Elaine looked really beautiful. I even thought she was glowing a little bit, and her mouth was so sexy the way she was chewing and talking that I felt myself getting hard…and then her spoon fell off the table. She bent down to retrieve it and I remembered what you said about seizing the moment, so I stood up, ripped off her panties, and pulled her up onto the table. Right then and there we had the greatest sex of our lives and it’s been that way ever since.”

Anne Rogers smiled happily. “I’m so pleased to hear that I’ve been able to help”, she said.

“But there’s one little problem” said Elaine.

“Oh?” said Anne.

“That’s right,” said Ron, “We’re banned from Taco Bell for life.”

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female appears to be wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.

7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset.

11. The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. If in doubt-
rule 6 automatically applies.

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

“No,” the young farmer replied, seriously. “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked: “Dad, can I get the bike now?”

The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.”

A week late the father saw Johnny walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.

“Where are you going Johnny?” the father asked.

“Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said, ‘Wait, I am coming too!’ and DAMN if I’ll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops
and says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

The husband asks, “WHAT??” The wife
explains that he must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is
going to happen that night, and he might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes her shopping at a huge department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. As she emerges from the fitting room wearing the third outfit, he tells his wife, “We’ll take all three of them.”

He then leads her to the shoe
department, telling her to get matching shoes (worth $200 a pair) for each outfit. From there, he goes to the jewelry department, where he picks out a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is SO excited! She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she
doesn’t care. While in the jewelry
department, she asks him for a tennis bracelet. The husband says, “You don’t even play tennis, but OK,
if you like it, then let’s get it!”

The wife is jumping up and down so excitedly, she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, “I am ready to go, lets head to the cash register.”

The husband says. “No — no — no,
Honey, we’re not going to BUY all this stuff.”

The wife’s face goes blank. “No Honey - I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while.”

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode, but her husband smiles and says, “You must not be in
tune with my financial needs as a man!”

After his third week of work on the Alaskan pipeline, Joe is getting a little antsy, so he asks one of the guys what they do for sexual release.

The guy tells him that since the nearest woman is 450 miles away, they pretty much have to take things into their own hands. “Of course, there’s Wong, the cook. He’s the little guy. He takes it in the butt.” Joe says, “No way, I don’t go for that kind of stuff!”

After another week, Joe asks again about sex. Again, he receives the same answer, either do it yourself, or Wong takes it in the butt. Joe again says, “Nope, I don’t go for that stuff. ”

Another week goes by and Joe is now desperate. He asks, “If I was to do it with Wong, how many people would know about it?”

His buddy says, “Just the five of us.”

Joe says, “Five!? How the hell will five guys know about it?”

His pal says, “Well, there’s you and me, and Wong, and the two guys it takes to hold Wong down. See, he don’t go for that stuff either.”

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, “What have we here?”
Those prints are large and round and neat,
“But Lord, they are too big for feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.”

“You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.”

“Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When it’s time to test their contraption, the first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him. He falls back toward the cheering crowd, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and
says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”

The first guy says, “No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a ‘pinata’?”