Jokes News

if a blonde and a burnette jump off a bridge who hits the water first?

Answer:the burnette the blonde gets lost!

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. “Quick,” said the woman to her lover, “into the closet!” She hurried him into the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. “Who are YOU?” he demanded.

“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.

“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.

“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied.

“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bastards!!!”

Our country has come a long way. First, we had George Washington, who couldn’t tell a lie.

Then we had Bill Clinton, who couldn’t tell the truth . . .

And then we had Al Gore, who can’t tell the difference!

This elderly couple, that lived in Ohio, was driving back from Alabama where they were on vacation. The wife is hard of hearing. But on there way they got stop for speeding in Kentucky. Well the cop comes to the window and says “Sir do you know you were speeding” and the wife asks ” WHAT DID HE SAY?” the husband replies “He said we were speeding” the wife says “oh” The cop looks at the man drivers license and says “Oh you’re from Ohio” and the wife says “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “He acknowledged where we lived!” said the man. Then the cop said “I got my worst piece of ass in Ohio” and once again the woman asks “WHAT DID HE SAY?” and the man says “HE SAID HE KNOWS YOU!”

A Jewish man was rather upset because he thought that he had brought his son up right, taught him the faith, and given him a good childhood, but his son grew up and became a Christian.

He took this problem to his Rabbi, and told him all about it. His Rabbi said, “Funny you should come to me about this. You see, I thought that I had brought up my son correctly. I taught him the faith, and sent him to one of the most prominent Jewish schools. He grew up and became a Christian.”

“What did you do?” said the man.
“I took my problem to God,” said the Rabbi.
“Well, what did he say?” the man inquired anxiously.
“He said, ‘Funny you should come to me about this…’”

There is a brunette, a blonde, and a red head riding in an elevator when a man walks in the elevator. He rides for a minute then gets off. The red head says, “Did you see that guys head?” Then the brunette says, “Yeah, I want to give him some head and shoulders!” Then the blonde askes, “How do you give shoulders?”

Did you hear about the gay midget?

He came out of the cupboard.

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

“When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fasion as you can’t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won’t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.”

“Thanks doc, I’ll try it.” And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

“What? My recommendation didn’t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!”

“Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,” said the patient.

“What in the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, I don’t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can’t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass.”

One day this fine couple of tomatoes are walking down this long and narrow street where there are many cars coming by.

At some point in this crossing one of the tomatoes gets squished by one of the cars.

The other tomato being sarcastic says: “Come on, get up, Ketchup.”

A panda bear entered a restaurant ordered food, ate it, shot the waiter, and began to walk out. Somebody protested saying, “You can’t do that!”

And the panda said, “It’s in the dictionary!”

They looked it up and the dictionary said, “Panda, eats shoots and leaves.”