Jokes News

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator????

A. What are you shakin for; she’s gonna eat me!

What do you get when you cross an aethiest and a Jehova Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

HANSON!

God created the mule and told him, “you are mule. You will work constantly from dawn to dusk, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.”

The mule answered, “To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 30.” And it was so.

Then God created the dog and told him, “You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.”

The dog responded, “Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.” And it was so.

God then created the monkey and told him, “You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.”

The monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.” And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.”

The man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.”

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

Q: What is a test tube called when it has a college degree?

A: A graduated cylinder

In church this past Sunday, we celebrated Communion. During the “Children’s Sermon,” the minister was talking about Communion and what it was all about.

“The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a ‘joyful feast.’ What does that mean? Well, ‘joyful’ means happy, right? And a feast is a meal. So a ‘joyful feast’ is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?”

My son blurted out “Hamburger, fries and a soft drink?”

NAME:____________ GANG:____________

1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each driveby shooting, how many driveby shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

2. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?

3. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

4. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4×4. If he has stolen 2 BMW’s and 3 4×4’s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?

5. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

6. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 feet, and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

1. Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering
2. Marriages are made in heaven…
Then again, so are thunder and lightning
3. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The problem is WHICH ONE?
4. Marriage is not a word. It is a
life long exclamation.
5. Marriage is when fantasy wins over reality. Reality bites!
6. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

The moral of the story - do not marry someone you know you can live with. Marry someone that you cannot live without.