Jokes News

Two Jews are walking along when they see a sign that says, “Attention, Jews…five thousand dollars if you convert.”

The first guy says, “Five thousand dollars is a lot of money.”

The other guy says, “Your grandfather was a rabbi, and your entire family is so religious, they would never forgive you.”

The first guy says, “I could use the money, and they’ll never know.”

So he goes in, and after a few hours he comes out.

The other guy says, “Did you get the money?”

He says, “You Jews, always thinking about money.”

What song did the guy sing after he had his kidney removed?

(Tune of I can see cleary now the the rain is gone)
I can pee frealy now the pain is gone,I can remove all the obstacles in side.

There were 11 people out on a hiking trip through the woods. Ten were blondes and one was a brunette. As they were crossing a rope bridge across a deep ravine, the rope bridge suddenly snapped leaving all 11 people hanging onto a rope for dear life.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, “I’ll get off.” After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping. Problem solved.

Church was full one Sunday morning and the preacher was giving a powerful sermon about Heaven and Hell.

All of a sudden, the front door opens and in walks Satan.

All of the congregation runs out the front door screaming “It’s Satan, it’s Satan!”

That is, all except one old man in the “amen” pew.

Satan goes up to him and says, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The old man says, “Yea, you’re Satan.”

Satan says, “Aren’t you scared of me?”

The old man said “Hell, no… I been married to your sister for 50 years!!!”

10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket.
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

And the Number 1 Old Folks Home Party Game …

1. Sag, You’re It!

A liberal kindergarten teacher taught a class of thirty. On election day, she asked the students to raise their hand if they were Democrats. 29 students raised their hands. She asked the kid with his hand down if he was a Republican.

“Yes”, the boy replied. The teacher asked why and the boy said because his parents were.

“Well if your parents are total morons, what does that make you?”

“A Democrat.”

There were two boll weevils from Kentucky. One moved away to Hollywood and became a big movie star with millions of dollars. He was known as the successful weevil.

The other one stayed at home and worked on the farm. He made a decent living but wasn’t as successful as the other. Therefore he was known as the lesser of two weevils.

After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., this father finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, threw away the directions, and in a short while, had the set completely assembled.

“It’s beyond me,” said the father, “how you got it together without even reading the instructions.”

“To tell you the truth,” replied the old-timer, “I can’t read, and when you can’t read, you’ve got to think.”

True Facts About Americans

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don’t make our bed daily.

5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week.

Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

85% of men don’t use the slit in their underwear.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

67% have been caught sneaking food in the movie theaters.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

29% of us are virgins when we marry.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they’ve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

23.5% admit they don’t always flush.

45.2% pee in the shower.

44.9% pee in the ocean.

28.1% pee in the pool. (My whizz, yeah you’re soaking in it).

55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they’re sitting on the toilet. (As long as they don’t come on them.)

39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet.
17% have ever been caught by the host.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
Makes sense they do 90% of the spending.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

28% of us have skinny-dipped.
14% with the opposite sex.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.

Men say the average erect penis is 10″.

Women say it’s 4″.

There were two baseball players whom had been friends for a long time. Well, they had made a promise to each other that if one had died before the other that he would come back and tell him how heaven was.

As fate would have it, one of the men died in a car crash a couple of weeks later. One night while he was getting ready to go to bed, his dead buddy appeared in his room, so he asked him, “How is Heaven?”

He said “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“Well, tell me the good news.”

“The good news is in Heaven we play baseball all the time.”

“Well, what’s the bad news?”

“Tomorrow you’re pitching.”