Jokes News

1. We both work and you got the check last time. Let me get it.
2. I don’t need another pair of shoes. I have a closet full of them I don’t wear now.
3. Maybe this isn’t the right time time talk about this. Let’s talk later.
4. We always talk about how I feel. How do you feel? If you don’t know, that’s OK.
5. You’re right, I’m wrong. I’m sorry.
6. I’m sorry I made such a big deal about nothing.
7. I guess if I want you to romance me I should stop compaining and nagging and shop more at Victoria Secret’s and read Penthouse Letter for ideas.
8. Women look at guys, too. We just don’t have to stare to remember. We’ll fantasize later.
9. I think I already saw this Lifetime Movie or one just like it. They’re all the same basic plot anyway.
10. There’s nothing on TV. Why don’t you flip channels for a while and see what’s on.
11. I don’t care where we eat as long as they have spicy food and beer.
12. Titanic would have been better if the guy hadn’t died at the end. What’s romantic about that?
13. I can’t find something. I had it last. That means I lost it and you didn’t move something and lose it.
14. My hormones are affecting my judgement.
15. I don’t remember the last thing you did wrong. I don’t keep track of them to use in an argument later about something completely different to win that discussion.
16. I should stop worrying about what I don’t have an appreciate you.
17. I don’t want to talk about it.
18. I can’t expect you to know something I’m hiding from you if I don’t tell you.
19. If I’m going to drop my pants and sit down without looking, I deserve to either fall in or pee on the lid.
20. I don’t want it. It’s too much money. Not buying it and saving that much money proves to me that you care more about our long term financial security than giving me an expensive emotional token.

Everyone knows of the Chunnel running from England to France, but does everyone know this story?

Four people got on the Chunnel: One was a young woman, who looked exactly like one of the models from fashion magazine. The next was a very old very rich woman, then a decorated Sergeant Major. Last but not least was a Private, fresh out of boot camp.

The four got talking and all of a sudden the lights went out, there was the sound of a kiss, then a slap. When the lights came on no one spoke, all were at their own thoughts.

The young woman was wondering, “Why would he want to kiss that old fossil when I’m sitting here?”

The old woman thought, “Isn’t it a wonderful thing that a young woman can still keep her dignity.”

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face thought, “Why would she think that I, a decorated Sergeant Major, would want to kiss her?”

The privite was grinning to himself, “Isn’t it a crazy, mixed-up world when a young Private like me can kiss the back of his hand and slap a Sergeant Major!”

A country club didn’t allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women’s club and became very active.

After about six months, the governing board of the club received a letter from the women’s club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.

After another six months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.

After due deliberation, they sent the women’s club a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, “But you just got a new pair last month!”

“Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,” stammered the private.

“Accident, what kind of an accident?” The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, “Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?”

“No, no nothing of those…” said the private.

“Well then, what is it?”

“I’d rather not tell you sir…”

“Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses,” said the medical officer, ready to stand up, “I’ve to see my patients now.”

“No, no sir, wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,” blurted the private.

“Don’t be daft, man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?”

“You see, she crossed her legs…..”

Bush, Gore and Cain are on a ship to visit Europe.
A storm comes up and the ship sinks.
Who gets saved?

America!!

Talking to my future son in law, I asked him if he understood that there are three different types of sexual relations in a marriage.
1) room sex- thats where you do it in every room in the house.
2) closet sex- thats when you do it im the closet so the kids don’t hear
3) hall sex- thats when you pass each other in the hall and say, “Fuck you!!!”

“I have seven ‘nees,” said a man to his friend.

“Oh, yeah?” his friend responded. “Tell me how you can have seven.”

” Okay. I have two knees, two kidnees, two ninnees, and one weenee.”

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “I really don’t think you should.”

“Why not?” the pastor asked. “I really need to use a restroom!”

“Well, I don’t think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there — and she’s only covered by a fig leaf! ”

“Nonsense,” said the pastor, “I’ll look the other way!”

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!

He went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again.”

“Well, now you’re one of us!” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink too?”

“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled pastor.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?”

Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day.

When she’s in a good mood it turns green.

When she’s in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

1. Caution! I speed up to run over small animals.
2. Nuke the unborn baby seals!
3. Earth First! We’ll strip mine the other planets later.