Jokes News

It was Saturday morning as Jack, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife Annie sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

“What you are doing up and dressed like that?” he asks.

“I’m going hunting with you”, Annie smiles.

Jack reluctantly agrees to take her along, and when they reach the hunting site, he sets Annie safely up in the tree stand, and says “If you see a deer, take careful aim and squeeze the trigger. I’ll come running back here as soon as I hear the shot.”

Jack walks away knowing Annie couldn’t hit the Goodyear Blimp, much less a deer. But ten minutes later, he is startled by the sound of gunshots. He starts running back to Annie and hears her screaming, “Get away from my deer!!!”

Jack arrives just in time to see Annie with her rifle trained on a distraught cowboy with his hands in the air.

“Okay, lady, okay,” pleads the cowboy, “You can have your deer. Just let me get my saddle off it.”

A man comes home one day and says to his wife, “The stock market crashed and I lost all of my money. We’ll have to start over.”

The wife says, “But that will take forever! I’d rather die!” and jumps out of their 30th story window and falls to her death.

The man looks up from his wife splattered on the sidewalk. A grin slowly appears on his face and he says, “Thank you, Paine Webber….”

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. –Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. –Winston Churchill

He was a wise man, who invented beer. –Plato

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. –Churchill’s reply

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. –Deep Thought, Jack Handy

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart

I drink to make other people interesting. –George Jean Nathan

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. –For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
–Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me - so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
–Homer Simpson

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

Sir Lancelot was out riding one night and it was storming, rain, wind and hail.

His horse slipped and fell and broke his leg. Sir Lancelot had to leave him there.

On foot, he came to an Inn. He asked the Innkeeper if he had a horse because his mission for the king was very important.

The Innkeeper said, “I’m sorry but the only animal I have is a Great Dane dog.”

Sir Lancelot looked at the dog and after sizing it up, he said, “That is a big dog; I think he could carry me and my mission is very urgent.”

The Innkeeper said, “I’m sorry, Sire I can’t let you take the dog.”

“Don’t you understand, man, how important this mission is?” asked Sir Lancelot.

The Innkeeper told Sir Lancelot, “I wouldn’t send a Knight out on a dog like this.”

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
Fault: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don’t remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

One day there were two men playing golf. The first guy was talking to the other guy. He said, “You can’t lose this golf ball, if you hit it in the water it will inflate and come back to you, if you hit it in the sand it rolls out. If you hit it in the woods it will come out.”

The second guy said, “Where’d you get it?”

The first guy said, “I found it!”

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner, people.”

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner…NOW!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good,” chuckled the verteran policemen, “especially since this is a bus stop!”

A guy walks into a physcologist’s office with saran wrap underwear on.

The physcologist looks at the guy and says, “I can clearly see your nuts.”

“Tell me,” asked an American of three Frenchmen, “what is sang froid? I know it means cold blood literally, but what are its connotations?”

“That,” said Andre, “is best answered with an example. Imagine, my friend, that you are away on a business trip, but have come back unexpectedly soon, and find your wife in bed with your best friend. You do not wish to get emotional, to heat your blood. Instead you stay cool. If, like a true Parisian, you can smile, wave cheerily, and say ‘Pardon the intrusion,’ you, my friend, have sang froid.”

“Nonsense,” scoffed Jaques, “that is merely tact. If, on finding your wife in bed with your best friend, you say, ‘Pardon the intrusion; please continue,’ then, my friend, you have sang froid.”

“Bah,” sneered Pierre, “that is ordinary politeness. Let me explain sang froid. Let us return to the same situation. If, after you have said, ‘Pardon the intrusion; please continue,’ the gentleman in bed can indeed continue, then HE has sang froid.”