Jokes News

An elderly couple sat through a porno flick twice.

They did not get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the evening.

“You folks must have really enjoyed the show,” asked the usher.

“Disgusting!” commented the old lady.

“It was absolutely revolting!” concurred her husband.

“Then why did you sit through it twice?” inquired the usher.

“We had to wait until you turned on the house lights,” the old lady explained. “We couldn’t find my panties and his teeth were in them.”

A man walks into a crowded bar and yells, “I’ll give $1,000 to any woman who will have sex with me MY way just one time. The other men in the bar rough him up, and throw him out. However, one attractive brunette follows him out, and asked if the offer was still open. He again repeated his offer, and she accepted.

Going to a motel room, they took off their clothes and got into bed. The man assumed the usual position, missionary style, and started going to town. After a few minutes, the brunette thought to herself that this was quite normal sex, so she asked him just what his way was.

To which the man said, “On credit, baby, on credit!”

For those of you who don’t know, Gay Head is the name of a small town on Martha’s Vineyard, now renamed to Aquinna (I can’t imagine why they renamed it). It is known for its fabulous beach and stunning red cliffs overlooking the beach.

On my recent vacation, I decided to go there for the day. Feeling a little brave, I decided to head for the Northwest end of the beach. This is where bathing suits are optional. As I soon found out, most people opted not to wear one.

However, far from the 20-something meat market I expected (hoped for?), I found it to be just a place where people went to feel “as one with nature”. Very comfortable atmosphere.

So, I decided blend in and “Free Willy”. There were naked 7-year-olds, naked 70-year-olds, groups of friends, whole families. People were there just to have a good time. No one was there to stare and gawk (well, there was this one pervert - but, hey, it was my first time).

If you ever decide to go let me give you a bit of advice: SUNBLOCK! No, I didn’t find this out the hard way, I planned ahead. But a lot of people didn’t. I saw lots of pink breasts
there. Ouch. I saw some women who must have thought to put on sunblock everywhere, except for their butt-cracks! Some people call this part of anatomy “where the sun don’t shine”,
but believe me, it shone there a little too much for some people. Combine this with the fact that the Vineyard has lots of Mexican restaurants, and… Oh, man, I can’t even imagine the pain. I don’t think that the devil himself could come up with a worse torture.

Another piece of advice: If you are a man, and go to a nude beach to pick up women, well, forget it. You’re not there with your cool sports car, or flashy 3-piece-suit, or whatever, to impress women with. It’s just you. And let’s just say that that ocean water is cold.

Let’s face it, your most impressive feature is, well, not so impressive. “Hey, baby, check THIS out! Did I say something funny?”

So I didn’t meet too many women. At one point, while standing in the water, I was talking to a guy. Normal conversation. Where are you from, yada yada yada, I come down here with my
family every year, yada yada, so those must be your wife’s tits I’m staring at, yada, what do you do for a living, yada.

Suddenly it dawned on me that I’m standing here, talking to a 52-year-old fat naked man, from Connecticut, who is wearing nothing but a bad toupe, and he’s trying to sell me life
insurance. A decidedly low-quality situation. The devil had, at last, come up with a worse torture.

Dude, I hafta go, yada.

So I decided to take a walk up the beach to see the sites, if you know what I mean. I saw a woman lying on her stomach, facing away from the beach. Her husband (I assume) was lying
next to her. He had his hand on her buttocks. Well, actually, a little lower. In between her legs. And I thought, “Gee, what a nice man. He’s protecting his wife from getting a sunburn on her ’special place’. And the poor man, he must have been in a horribly disfiguring accident, because one of his fingers was missing. Wait a minute - Oh Man! I wish my finger was missing right about now!”

As I was coming back, I saw a funny sight. I wish I had a camera. OK, all day I wish I had a camera, but THIS was a true Kodak moment. There was a woman sitting on the beach, staring blankly out to sea. Fully clad in nature’s garb. Legs slightly spread. She was eating a bag of potato chips. And what an advertisement for the chips! All I could see was the logo between her legs… “Lay’s”.

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows, but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week, the banker returns to see if the vet has helped. The farmer looks very pleased and says, “The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has even serviced all my neighbor’s cows, too.”

“Wow!” says the banker, “whatever did the vet DO to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asked the banker.

“I don’t know,” says the farmer, “but they sort of taste like peppermint.”

A man walks up to a woman and says “will you have sex with me for $25,000?”

And she says yes.

Then he says, “well, will you have sex with me for $25?”

And she asks him what kind of woman does he think she is.

And he says, “We both know what kind of woman you are, now we are just negotiating a price.”

Things we have in Egypt that the rest of the world doesn’t:

1- McDonald’s home delivery (the rest of the world have to get off their lazy butts and go get it).

2-Mollokhya (for some reason our tasty national green slime has not caught on elsewhere).

3- Relaxed driving regulations (apparently, the rest of the world drives around in straight lines, how bizarre!).

4- No drunk-driving laws (well, no breath-analyzers anyway).

5- Magical economics (250 people in a 40 seater bus, 15 people in a 5 seater taxi, 5 people on a 2 seater scooter.

6- A national obsession with marriage (plus the flat, Shabka, furniture that goes with it).

7- You can smoke anywhere! (except in CAIP office)

8- No drive-by shootings, random muggings or mass murders.

9- The biggest construction site in the world - Cairo.

10- Al mahmoul fi yad (?) al game3!… “everybody has a Cellular”

11- Sogouq- the finest spicy mystery-meat in the world.

12- Excellent women drivers!

13- 24-hour a day everything.

14- Hakim (apparently -nobody else wants his music -obviously they’ve got no taste).

15- Stella local beer (and now on tap!).

16- Sheesha -now available in cappuccino (urgh!) mint,
fakhfakhena, and orange flavors (only the truly brave should try these exciting alternatives).

17- 5-piaster notes (probably the smallest paper denomination in the world-except for monopoly money).

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had only one golf ball.

“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked. The other guy replied that he only needed one.

“Are you sure?” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”

The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”

“Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”

“That’s okay,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”

“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?

“The other guy replied, “That’s okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back — no problem.”

Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”

“No problem,” says the other guy, “You see, this ball is fluorescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”

The other guy replies, “I found it.”

Yo Mama so fat she has her own area code.

Yo Mama so fat she had to make a bra out of two parachutes.

Yo Mama so fat she can be on three continents at once.

Yo Mama so fat she has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Yo Momma so Fat - she’s gonna be oil in a million years.