Archive for May 9th, 2006

Little Man

Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 | Posted in Religious
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Rodney walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots–one for me and one for my best buddy here.”

The bartender says, “You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?”

Rodney says, “Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.” With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, “Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?”

“Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some,” the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

“That’s amazing!” says the bartender. “What else can he do? Can he walk?”

Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Al, go get that penny!” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. “That’s amazing,” he says. “What else can he do? Does he talk?”

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, “Talk? Sure, he talks!
Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!”

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  • Johnny, the little mover

    Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 | Posted in Little Johnny
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    Johnny paints a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME; then tells his buddy Roy to get his red wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Johnny’s front yard, waiting for business.

    Kathy, across the street, is not to be outdone: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL; tells Nellie to get her red wagon and both sit in Kathy’s yard.

    Johnny’s pissed…how dare that GIRL? Then, a flash…and Johnny hauls Roy across the street & says, “Let’s get some laughs.”

    “Say, Kathy, you move ANYTHING?”

    “Give me a nickel and I’ll prove it to you.”

    “Roy, give me your nickel!” He takes it and hands it to Kathy.

    “What you want moved, boy?”

    “Move my BOWELS!” (Johnny starts laughing.)

    Kathy thinks for a few seconds and turns to her girlfriend.

    “Nellie, hold this nickel while I beat the shit out of this kid.

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  • Armies

    Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 | Posted in Funny Stories
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    Two men were boasting to each other about their old army
    days. “Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”

    “Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company
    presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.”

    “What was the jingle?” asked the first.
    “Oh,” replied the other off hand, “just our medals.”

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  • Hard of Hearing

    Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 | Posted in Wedding
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    A retired couple was driving to Florida for the winter, when they were stopped by a highway patrolman in South Carolina.

    The patrolman approached the car, and noticed that is was an elderly couple, and the wife was driving.

    “Excuse me, Maam”, he said to the old woman, “Can I see your driver’s license please?”

    She then turned to her husband with puzzled look on her face. To this the old man screamed, “HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE!” He then told the officer that she was very hard of hearing.

    After checking the woman’s license over, the officer said, “I see here that ya’ll from New York.”

    The old man again screams, “HE SAYS WE ARE FROM NEW YORK!”
    His wife smiles and nods to the officer.

    The patrolman then says, “I got the worst piece of ass in my life in New York.”

    The old man again screams, “HE KNOWS YOU!!!”

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  • Nun on the Bus

    Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 | Posted in Dirty Adult, Religious
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    A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs and wants to experience sex before she dies.

    The bus driver agrees, but the nun explains she can’t have sex with any one who is married because it would be a sin!

    The bus driver says no problem he’s not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin so she’ll have to take it in the ass.

    The bus driver agrees, and being the only people on the bus they go back in the back and take care of it.

    When they were done and he has resumed driving, the bus driver said, “Sister, I have a confession to make, I’m married and have three kids.”

    The nun replied, “That’s OK. I have a confession to make, too. My name is Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party.”

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  • Auto I.D.

    Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 | Posted in Funny Stories
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    Be on the lookout for the following personalities last seen cruising in these automobiles…

    A Pyromaniac in a Blazer…

    A barber in a Seville…

    A seamstress in a Dart…

    An insurance adjuster in an Acclaim…

    A construction worker in a Bobcat…

    A creature in a black Laguna…

    A theater manager in a Marquis…

    An astronomer in an Eclipse…

    An exterminator in a Beetle…

    A spiritualist in an Aurora…

    An orator in a Civic…

    A country singer in a blue Neon…

    A reporter and a Good Humor Man in a S’Coupe…

    An orchestra conductor in a Prelude…

    A classical musician in a Sonata…

    A customs inspector in a Passport…

    A dog trainer in a Rover…

    A jeweler in a Topaz…

    A band leader in a Tempo…

    A gentleman in a Gallant…

    A bullfighter in a Matador…

    A mother-in-law in a Barracuda…

    An electrician in a Charger…

    A snake oil salesman in a Viper…

    A peeping Tom in a Prowler…

    A car thief in a Jimmy…

    Barbie in a Malibu…

    Sgt. Preston in a Yukon…

    Queen Elizabeth in a Regal…

    Prince Rainier in a Monaco…

    Princess Stephanie in a Riviera…

    Prince Charles in a Regency…

    Joan Collins in a Dynasty…

    Hillary Clinton in a Park Avenue…

    Jim Garner in a Maverick…

    Kato in a green Hornet…

    Kissinger in a Diplomat…

    Speedy Gonzales in a Fiesta…

    Wile E. Coyote in a Road Runner…

    Elmer Fudd in a Wabbit…

    Miss Muffet in a Spyder…

    Charles Lindberg in an Intrepid…

    Christopher Columbus in a Voyager…

    Blackbeard in a Corsair…

    Tonto in a Cherokee…

    Dorothy in a Cyclone…

    Benjamin Franklin in a Dodge Lightning…

    Carl Sagan in a Nova…

    Bruce Lee in a Sidekick…

    Oscar De la Hoya in a Challenger…

    John Mellencamp in a Cougar…

    Edmund Haley in a Comet…

    Yassir Arafat and Menahim Begin in an Accord…

    Jeanne Dixon in a Futura…

    Nostradamus in a Galaxy…

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  • They have the answer

    Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 | Posted in Religious
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    Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions.

    People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and
    the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

    A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: “Young man. Don’t you realize that this is a Catholic country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country, holding a Star of David.”

    The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: “Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?”

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  • What Happens in ‘0′ Years

    Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 | Posted in Politics
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    What happens when a president gets elected in a year with a “O” at the end?

    1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
    1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
    1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
    1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
    1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
    1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
    1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
    1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt)

    And to think that we have 2 guys duking it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000!!!

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  • A Perfect Day…

    Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 | Posted in Man and Woman
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    THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER

    -8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
    -8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday
    -8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewelery chosen by thoughtful partner
    -9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
    -10.00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer
    -10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
    -12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
    -12.45 Catch sight of husband/ boyfriend’s ex and notices she has gained 7kg
    -1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit 3.00 Nap
    -4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card id from secret admirer
    -4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
    -5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
    -7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
    -10.00 Hot shower (alone)
    -10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
    -11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
    -11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

    THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

    -6.00 Alarm
    - 6.15 Blow job
    -6.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
    -7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
    - 7.30 Limo arrives
    - 7.45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
    -9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
    -9.30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route)
    -9.45 Play front nine (2 under)
    -11.45 Lunch Pie, chips and gravy, 3lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
    -12.15 Blow job
    -12.30 Play back nine (4 under)
    -2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Whiskeys)
    -2.30 Fly to Monte Carlo
    -3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
    -4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
    -5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
    -6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave
    -7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marajuana and porn legalised
    -7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy filet steak followed by ice cream served on a pair of tits
    -9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch international match of the day; England beating Germany
    11-0
    -9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)
    -11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale
    -11.30 A night cap blowjob
    -11.45 In bed alone
    -11.50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

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